Our Mommyhood

Posts Tagged ‘Scale’

By Stephanie

I woke up a little pissed frustrated this morning because I’m still fat. I’ve been dieting for close to eighteen hours now and nothing is happening. It’s bullshit.

I’m kind of an “immediate gratification” type of a gal, especially when it comes to “not outweighing my husband” or “no longer sweating when I eat”. And really, if I am to be expected to live on spring mix greens, half an apple slice, and a tablespoon of water a day, I should think I’d be down twenty, thirty pounds by now.

I’m not really sure how this “dieting” nonsense works ,as I’ve never been fat before. I was thin my whole life until my body was invaded by many a fetus* and I thought, “Oh! Eating for two!” But I was totally kidding myself about that; it was pretty obvious I was eating for, like, ninety.

And then, to make matters even more weighty (groan), when I was on bed rest in the hospital for several endless weeks, the Gestapo nursing staff watched me like a hawk to make sure I didn’t so much as walk to the ladies room– so there went the exercise**. And (this is so obvious I really don’t even need to mention it) the hospital food was so horrifying and I was so worried about the baby that I really didn’t have a choice but to order pizza every other night. And eat it alone. In the dark. While weeping and berating myself.

Now the time has come to shed the sixty*** pounds of “baby weight” (which is really on the cusp of no longer being able to be legitimately labeled “baby” weight) and I’m not sure how this is all going to go.

Things I’ve never even considered eating before are beginning to make my mouth water. You know; things like fish. Baby food. Wheat germ. The bed spread.

I’ve heard it said that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Unfortunately for me, I’m not so much interested in being “stronger” as I am in “eating some Chinese takeout”.

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*Lest you think I have a quasi-valid excuse here, I was never pregnant with multiples. I have a three year old and an eleven month old. But still.

**Isn’t it cute how I pretend that I actually would have exercised had it been permitted?

***Eighty

Stephanie is a stay at home mom to Joshua and Ella. She writes daily at Mama Still Wears Gucci,where she discusses everything from a radical obsession with vacuuming the draperies to vying (peacefully of course) for total world domination.