Our Mommyhood

Posts Tagged ‘relationship’

By Megan M., Staff Writer, All A Bunch of Momsense (@TaxMegan)

I saw an interesting comment on Twitter recently, and it got me thinking:

Do most men view marriage or fatherhood as emasculating?

To me, there is little that endears a man to me more than seeing him interact with his children, or any children, and be a positive role model to them. I have to believe that this is the case for many women, but perhaps men view it differently. The tweet I saw read “I am married. Neutered is implied. ”

Really?

Having a spouse, a partner in life, leaves you feeling “neutered”?

Perhaps you’re doing it wrong. To some extent, I’m sure we’re all doing some part of it wrong, but I believe marriage is truly a partnership. One where two unique individuals come together with common ideas and goals and work together to reach those goals, while setting new ones along the way.  My husband and I have a less traditional methodology in our own marriage, as I am our primary wage earner and he does far more of the domestic activities in our home than I do. Does that make him “neutered” – the fact that he does much of the cooking and laundry in our home?  Or does it mean we are secure in who we are and have established areas where we can best apply our personal strengths to our overall relationship.

Perhaps this gentleman’s issue is that his wife comes across as overbearing, asking more of him than he is willing to readily give. We’ve all seen that and such an imbalance could be emasculating. While I don’t think my marriage is perfect (NO marriage is PERFECT!), my husband and I have a great deal of respect for our individual lives, as well as our life together. He hangs out with his brother playing video games at least once a week. I get to go out with the girls with equal regularity. We communicate and recognize that while we are a married couple, we are also still separate people, with lives that extend beyond the four walls that make up our home.

So, what are your thoughts? What parts of a marriage can leave a man feeling emasculated? Are there tips you have, maybe for newlyweds or couples struggling, to help keep a good balance between partners and individuals?

By Julia Magnusson, Staff Writer, It’s Not Like a Cat (@notlikeacat)

Dear Baby,

You are as of this writing, five months old. Five delicious drooling fat-legged months. You smile easily, adore your big brother (who adores you) and you’re not the worst sleeper in the world. You’re healthy. You are engaging and interactive and enjoy seeing the world from the sling or Ergo.

But, dear baby, there’s just one thing I wanted to talk to you about.

You know that cute, dark-haired guy who’s around in the mornings and evenings and on weekends? The one whose bed (and mine) you crowd with your arms-flung-wide-in-sleep body? The guy whom you resemble, to whom you give a big gummy grin whenever you see him? Daddy?

Yeah. I like him, too.

Before your arrival, Baby, that Daddy-guy and I had an evening routine that went something like this: One of us would put your big brother to bed while the other did laundry and finished preparing dinner. By 8:30 p.m. at the latest, he and I would sit down to dinner, talk about our days and maybe watch something funny on NetFlix together. Then I might try to get some work done and he might, too, and eventually we’d end up in bed (no, not like that—well, OK, sometimes).

Baby, you have altered that routine with your tendency to stay up late. Late like 10. What kind of baby stays up until 10 p.m.? Occasionally you are asleep by the time your big brother is, but lately more often than not you’re wide awake. Are you hoping for playtime with Daddy? Do you like the smell of dinner? Are you hoping you can curl on my lap to watch TV and hang out with us?

Not a chance, kid. Instead, one of us spends enormous quantities of time and energy trying to get you to sleep. Why don’t we just let you stay up? Because you are yawning, for one thing. You’re fed, clean, dry, in pajamas and it’s time for you to sleep. We know you are tired, but you fight it.

It wouldn’t be an issue except, well, by the time your father and I finally eat it’s not always together, though it is always late. Later than I’d like.

Worse, we don’t get to talk anymore. Like, ever. By the time we have some downtime together it is late and we’re tired.

In fact, last week I hired a babysitter (remember that kind stranger who put you to bed? Yeah, her) just so that your daddy and I could go out and ask each other, for the first time in what seemed like months, “So, how was your day, honey?” and actually be able to listen to the answer. I felt like I hadn’t seen your father in weeks!

So, baby. Would you mind trying to go to sleep at a more “normal” bedtime, like around the time your brother goes to sleep? It would be helpful. Plus you wouldn’t have to cuddle with that nice college student in the evening. We’d save money.

Then again, it is nice to be forced to get out more often than we otherwise might, in order to get some grown-up time. So thank you for that.

And now it’s off to bed with you.

Love,

Mommy

How do you find one-on-one time with your spouse or partner when children seem to take up all your time?

By Mama Michie, Staff Writer, Mama Michie’s Musings (@MamaMichie)

Before the kids came along, Ray and I would have date nights almost every weekend. We almost always went out to eat on Friday nights and spent most Saturdays and Sundays either riding around on the Harley or just going out and doing something.

While I love both of my children more than I could ever imagine, I miss the time that I was able to spend alone with my husband… just the two of us. Sure we get some alone time for a few hours (if we’re lucky) after the children go to bed at night, but it’s not the same. I want to be able to go out and have fun with him the way that we used to prior to having our two rug rats.

It has been months since the last time Ray and I have been out together alone. The last day that Ray and I had a few hours to ourselves was back in July, and it was our 2 year anniversary. We drove 1 ½ hours so that my mom could watch the kids while Ray and I went out. We went to Ikea, then to see Toy Story 3 and ended our date with dinner at Olive Garden. Nothing fancy, but it was fun.

We didn’t have to make sure that a little 3 foot tall ball of energy was running to places he shouldn’t in the store. We were able to sit and watch a whole movie at the theater, something we wouldn’t have been able to do with Noah. We were able to just sit and relax at dinner, we could talk without being interrupted and we could eat without having to rush or feed someone else first. It was pure bliss and I loved every minute of it.

I would also love to be able to do that again. The problem is though that we have no family that lives close by that would watch the children and we don’t know many people where we live, at least none that I would trust with my children.

So until we are able to find someone to watch our two little ones, Ray and I will just have to make do with the time that we have together while they are sleeping, and dream of the day when we can go out again, just the two of us.

How often do you get alone time with your husband? Do you use sitters or rely on family?

By Julia Magnusson, Staff Writer, It’s Not Like a Cat, (@notlikeacat)

It must be the famous relentlessness of having more than one child, but these days my husband and I think little of hiring a sitter and fleeing the premises.

When our firstborn was a baby, we could barely bring ourselves to hand him over to his high-end daycare center despite the fact that they were licensed, certified, trained and far more experienced than we were. We used to stay for nearly an hour, trying to “settle” our son in at his daycare center, instead of handing him over and leaving.

And forget hiring a babysitter; we trusted no one with our precious cargo.  Maybe my mother, once, when Max was more than a year old.  And occasionally we’d pay our midwife’s teenage daughter to stay with our son after we coddled him to sleep at night. I’d check my phone often and we’d end our evenings early, sure our child needed us (of course, he was still fast asleep).  I think we had three dates in our first 18 months of parenthood.

Fast-forward two years.  Precious Cargo Number 1 is a happy toddler, and Precious Cargo Number 2 is a mere suckling baby.  Not only are we willing to have a sitter put these two to bed on her own, we’re willing to have her do it on a weekend day, when we could be having quality time with our two beloved children.

Beloved they indeed are; we are smitten with them. We also know now that someone other than us can successfully put our children to sleep or entertain them. Any crying or clinging immediately stops once the door closes behind us (we know, because we’ve stopped to listen).

We’re so relaxed now, in fact, that my husband—who, in our early days of parenthood, ruled out potential sitters that I found, checked references of, gotten recommendations for, and interviewed twice—didn’t even ask who would watch our children on a recent outing.  When the doorbell rang, I told him the sitter’s name just before he opened the door to greet her.

Even more striking, he was able to walk out the door quite cheerfully as the baby wailed and the toddler began to cry.  I followed on his heels, and as we got our mountain bikes ready (for why else would we hire a sitter for a weekend afternoon?) in our yard, we didn’t even stop to ponder if our children would settle down soon.  We knew they would.

More important, we knew we needed time away.  Just a little bit.  Just three short hours.  We don’t do it often, though I’m pretty sure that just a generation ago, parents hired a sitter every Saturday night to go out with each other and their friends.

In fact, we would love do it more than once or twice a month if it weren’t so expensive.  Getting away is good for us and for our marriage and I believe it’s good for our children, too. They know we love them and they know we come home again.

And they know that nice people other than Mommy and Daddy can read Richard Scarry books just as well as we can.

Do you find it easy to leave your child with a sitter, or do you struggle with it? Did you find it easier to use a sitter once you had a second child?  Do you think it’s good to get away with your partner on a regular basis?

By PV Lundqvist, Guest Writer, PV Lundqvist (@PVLundqvist)

The problem with writing a post about wives and mommyhood is…I’m a guy. I see these roles from the outside. Their effects only. So instead of imagining that I can know what another human being is thinking, feeling, experiencing, I would like to illustrate how the typical guy (meaning me) reacts when he first encounters these roles. Let’s start with two different conversations: the first with a wife. Second with a mommy.

(On the phone, while at the grocery store.)

Me: Kidding me—they have wings?

She: Yes. And get overnights.

Me: Green package?

She: No blue.

Me: Thin?

She: Ultra thin.

Me: Stars or hearts?

She: What????

Me: Just checking to see if you were putting me on.

Yeah, that’s married right there. Didn’t have to tell you what we were talking about, did I? Learning about the day-to-day mechanics of being a woman just comes with the husband job description. Living with a mommy is, of course, completely different.

(On the phone, while at the grocery store.)

Me: Movers or cruisers? And why do they sound like motorcycle names?

She: Cruiser.

Me: Drymax, super dry, or sucks the pee out with a fan?

But it was different. Priorities shifted. It’s all about the baby. Did he eat, did he sleep, did he poop? That was the only conversation worth having, it seemed. Yeah, the wife had turned into a mommy. Toggle that switch—I started to treat her differently. And like a toddler first learning to walk, I took a header first time out.

Yeah, I failed Christmas. After establishing a tradition of gift giving with jewelry, or a romantic event, I got her a video camera.

Video. Camera.

What can I say, the store was out of oven mitts. Sure, she was gooooood about it. And wisely, she nudged me in the right direction for Mother’s Day. “I’m sending you a link to this mom-jewelry website, you can choose whichever…” That was easy. But she wasn’t going to help me with her birthday—a week after our baby’s first. I was on my own. For that, I got her a silver belly chain. The type you could wear with low-cut jeans, or a swimsuit.

One gift to show her how I valued her as a mom, and the other to show how I valued her as a wife. Two different roles in one. I think I’m starting to get it.

But, just so you know, I have grown in other ways: I no longer blush purple when I get sent to the pharmacy. And I can talk absorbency products with the best of them. But I’ll save that for another post on husbands and fatherhood.