Our Mommyhood

Posts Tagged ‘humor’

By Honey B, Staff Writer, The Honey B, (@thehoneyb)

The Mommy Club is an elite group, open only to those who willingly (or occasionally unwillingly) take on the task of raising a child.

Membership Criteria

• A willingness to go through labor and delivery, or the excruciating process of adoption.
• A solemn vow to raise your child to the best of your abilities.
• A willingness to sacrifice, whether it may be finances, a social life or your dignity for your child.

Agility Test for Entry

Getting two wiggling and screaming children and a loaded shopping cart from storefront to vehicle. Successful completion is getting children into car seats and groceries into the car without dinging another vehicle, dropping the groceries or cursing

Alternate Agility Test for Entry

Removing peas from nostrils, while simultaneously feeding another child a plate of peas. Successful completion is peas removed without accidentally stabbing the child with the tweezers and the second child eating an entire plate of peas with implementation of the airplane method.

Examination for Entry

24 essay and multiple choice questions covering laundry and stain removal, creative food combinations for the picky child, how to tell your mother-in-law that you’re not naming a child after her, the pros and cons of Cheeto utilization while on long trips and your position on natural vs. medicated childbirth.

Rewards

An elite club, this affiliation affords you the ability to shape the minds of the future generation, option of smiling knowlingly at other mothers when a non-mother complains about not getting enough sleep at night and reward of sweet kisses and large collections of crayon artwork.

New members welcome; apply now.

By Betsy, Editor, Funky Mama Bird (@funkymamabird)

We’ve discussed the Fake Mommies and we’ve talked about the SAHM debate. It seems that many of you, no matter what path your own journey of motherhood takes, understand that being a mother is hard, often filled with guilt and the sense that there just isn’t enough time.

Rebekah Hunter Scott’s book, Motherhood is Easy…as long as you have nothing else to do for the next 50 years… is a humorous and refreshing take on just that.

Sometimes, in the face of the Mommy guilt, the sense of time slipping away and all-too-common feelings of inadequacy that can surface, it really helps to sit back and laugh. Scott’s book had me laughing from the introduction, and the laughs didn’t stop there; I devoured this book like it was a box of chocolates, frequently putting it down only to laugh so hard I scared a cat out of my lap.

Motherhood is Easy… has Scott taking lighthearted look at motherhood, from the early days of sleep deprivation, to learning that sometimes, “Because I said so”, is an adequate answer to your questioning toddler.

Included is actually some pretty good advice as well. Avoiding the mommy haircut, for example, may just save some new moms from taking the scissors to their own heads. Add in a so-true-you-have-to-laugh description of Super Daddy arriving home at the end of the day, and nearly every mom will find something to relate to in here.

While most veteran mothers will find something to relate to and laugh at, the people who should read this book are those new and expecting moms who need to learn that it’s OK to have those thoughts, and even more importantly, it’s OK to laugh at them.

So get yourself a glass of wine (white so you don’t stain the carpet when you slosh it over the side of glass laughing) and crack open Rebekah Hunter Scott’s Motherhood is Easy…as long as you have nothing else to do for the next 50 years… and find yourself looking at your own parenthood journey in a new, and better, light.

By Betsy, Contributor, Funky Mama Bird (@funkymamabird)

I spent this past Friday night in the company of some fun and charming ladies, three of whom happened to be pregnant. I wound up leaving that night with some serious pregnancy envy and a burning question in my mind: How do you know when you are ready to have the next one?

After a lot of thought,  and a few more margaritas, I managed to compile this handy chart for reference. If you are also wondering if it’s time to have another baby, take a look below and find your readiness level.

Answer the following questions and total your score at the end to see if you are ready for another baby.

Are you particularly attached to seeing your feet? Yes = 2points No =1point

Are you ready for the brain calisthenics required to figure out how you can vomit up everything you eat and still gain weight? Yes = 1point No=2points

Is your current child still small enough to want to stand in your lap and dance on your internal organs causing pain and bruising to your kidneys daily? Yes=2points No = 1point

Is your lower back already strained from the constant hoisting of a toddler who demands, “Up mama!” five seconds after he has requested to be put down? Yes = 2points No = 1point

Have you successfully achieved “labor amnesia”? Yes = 1point No = 2points

Have you forgotten about and recovered from the bone sucking fatigue of early infancy? Yes=1point No=2 points

Do you have enough gender neutral hand-me-downs or a bank account large enough to sustain another nesting/purchasing cycle? Yes=1point No=2points

Do you look at pregnant women with a feeling of smug superiority? Yes=2points No=1point

Do you look at pregnant women with a feeling of envy and longing? Yes=1point No=2points

**************************************

To find your score, total the number of points from above.

9 – 13 points – Congratulations! You are mentally prepared for the process of attempting to conceive your next child. Your heady optimism is sure to get you through no matter how long it takes to get pregnant with that little bundle, and the soul sucking fatigue of both early pregnancy and early infancy while you chase your older child(ren).

14 – 18 points – Congratulations! You are self aware enough to realize that even if you succumb to those feelings of pregnancy envy and do get pregnant again, that the end result is worth it in the end, no matter how hard the journey. And if you do manage to keep those pregnancy longings away, you’ll be doing so with the proper blend of smugness and superiority required for a healthy self esteem.

By Honey B, Contributor, “The Honey B“ (@thehoneyb)

When I graduated from nursing school, I went into the operating room…the most low maintenance job you can have, because pretty much you show up with OR shoes to change into and you’re set- no makeup or hair style needed, just throw on your hat and mask and you’re ready!

Oh but not the corporate side of things- what a shock. I arrived two years ago after half a decade in hospital scrubs- and not only do I have to make sure my hair is presentable, I’m also expected to do it every day. Seriously.

So over the past two years, I’ve learned (sometimes the hard way) what is required on a daily basis, and what office items can help to maintain the illusion that you really have it together- at the office anyway.

White-Out can cover the chip in your french manicure, a Glue Stick can stop a pantyhose run, and Alcohol-Based Hand Sanitizer can perk up hair gel gone flat.

Business Cards- can cover ‘headlighting’ issues when tucked into your bra, get spinach out of your teeth, and line the back of your new heels if they’re giving you blisters.

A Stapler is a wonderful implement that can help you hold together the hem or crotch of your pants, make a deep v-neck sweater a little less revealing, AND hold your papers together. An amazing multi-tasking implement.

Sharpie Markers can cover the scuff in your black heels, and never forget that Lipstick can work as blush and eyeshadow too!

These little office implements have kept me looking (mostly put together) and I offer these little tips with pride…and only one caveat, which is do not use them all in one day!

Ladies, what was the weirdest use you’ve ever had for a household or office item?

By Poppy, Guest Writer, Funny Or Snot (@funnyorsnot)

In my high school yearbook when I was asked what I would be doing in 10 years, I was quoted as saying “married with 16 kids, be a housewife, PTA President, drive a station wagon, be spanked when I’m bad, and have to beg whenever I want a new dress”.  I was joking.  At that point in my life it never occurred to me that I would ever want children, let alone stay home with them full time.

Ten years later, I had one child that was a really easy-going kid.  I had a great support system and had no problems working full time and raising her, even though I worked a crazy schedule.  Fast-forward to my second kid, who wasn’t nearly as compliant, and I started to get a bit frazzled as I burned through my circle of sitters because the kid seldom slept.  My husband and I both worked a late swing shift until 03:00 in the morning.  We needed a sitter mostly while the kids slept, which should have been an easy job for very willing grandparents.

The plan was to work until 03:00 a.m. and I’d stay where the kids were until 06:30 a.m.  I’d get my daughter ready and drive her to school and hope the baby would take a nap so I could catch another few hours during the school day and before I had to go back to work.  More often than not, something would thwart that plan.  My personal favorite?

HEAD LICE

Have you ever shuffled into Walgreens sans bra in your best sweats with bedhead carrying an infant in a carseat and holding the hand of a 6 year old in pajamas and have to ask where they keep the Rid?  I think my picture is circulating in the Best of Walmart email somewhere, but really I was at Walgreens.  Don’t judge me until you have to pick 10,000 nits and their eggs with your hands covered in pesticide while you are breastfeeding.

My husband tried working an opposite day off pattern, but then we didn’t see each other.  I wasn’t opposed to paying someone to watch my kids, but I was afraid.  There were times I fought the urge to shake my own child so I was afraid someone who didn’t love her might hurt her.  We decided that someone who loved her was me.  My very supportive co-workers threw me one heck of a going away party that included margarita’s in a fishbow,l and 9 months later I was a full time stay at home mom of 3 children instead of just the two.  Then the unthinkable happened.  The single event that brought down my MILF status exponentially:

I was handed the keys to my 7 passenger Toyota Sienna minivan.

It has been almost 4 years now that I have been home full time with my kids.

Sometimes I’m embarrassed when someone asks me what I do.  Sometimes I long for adult interaction other than the computer.  Sometimes I miss having a defined purpose other than laundry.

But most of the time, I feel lucky to be home with them.  It was easier to live on one income than I thought it would be.

One of my greatest obstacles that I didn’t anticipate was reminding people in my life that I didn’t quit my job to watch their children.  I don’t mind helping out every once in a while, but if I wanted to run a daycare, I would open one and charge for my services.

My question to other stay at home mom’s out there is: Is it everything you expected?  Do you ever long to go back to work?  Do you find people take advantage of you if you let them?

Those that are working:  Do you long to be at home with your kids or do you prefer to work?  Would the monotony of playdates and carpool drive you crazy?