Our Mommyhood

Posts Tagged ‘Friends’

By KLZ, Guest Writer, Taming Insanity, (@taminginsanity)

I married young. I met the man of my dreams and saw no point in dragging it out just to be “old enough” to get married.

I had a child young. Our family didn’t seem complete without a baby and we made good money, so why wait?

That baby lights up our life every day. He’s a beautiful thing. But this bundle of joy brought with him some unexpected strife.

You see, my friends aren’t mommies.

In fact, many of the people I’m closest to plan to never have children. They prefer to live the lives they enjoy, happily snuggling onto their couch with a glass of wine and some trashy TV. Or un-trashy TV. They don’t care as long as they can watch whatever they want.

Some of these people I love as though they are my family and my blood. One in particular stands out. We love each other but we’re struggling. Even with this love, neither of us can really understand the other’s choices.

She thinks I’m insane for choosing to watch Blue’s Clues while changing poop filled diapers at the end of my day. I have to admit, part of me thinks she’s missing out by not getting baby hugs at the end of the day.

This difference in opinions can be harsh.

We don’t intend it to be. Each of us has chosen what is right for us. We love and respect one another. We mean to be supportive but often our statements aren’t interpreted that way. Each of us speak truths which now create a rift.

A Mother Says: I thought having the newest jeans was so important before I had kids. Now I’m content to sit in yoga pants and play peek-a-boo.
A Non-Mother Hears: I think your jeans are stupid and you are shallow. This is further proof that I have become a brainless slob.

A Non-Mother Says: I wanted to go out to dinner with friends but they couldn’t come because the reservation was past bedtime. But bedtime’s not a problem for me. Ha Ha Ha!
A Mother Hears: You’re no fun anymore. I get to do what I want, when I want and you are not a part of that. This is further proof that I am selfish.

For the record, I know she loves my child unequivocally. But that doesn’t mean she wants to be with him every minute of the day as I do. It’s not the life she chose. I need to respect her choices as much as she needs to respect mine.

Our conversations are not always fraught with emotion. Our loving bond is still there. Many conversations are light and happy. It’s just that our words need to be chosen more carefully now, boundaries and choices respected.

Sometimes, even when no harm was meant, offense is taken. Because one of us is tired or hungover or moody or overwhelmed. A comment is taken to mean more than it did. It’s sometimes a struggle to continue to love each other without causing harm. Because even a casual statement can wound.

But is that just part of being family? Hurting each other accidentally? Wanting someone to understand and appreciate what makes you happy to the point that you can drive them nuts?

Because I desperately, desperately want my choice to be understood. And not in some trivial brush off; I want it to be recognized that my life could not have been another way. It wasn’t a choice for me. That at the end of the day, my life really didn’t mean as much to me before I had a child. But that that’s not a slam against her choice, it’s just my truth.

I want my truth to be recognized.

I’m sure my friend wants her truth to be recognized too.

As much as we love each other and as much as we try to communicate with one another, we’re on opposite sides of a fence. A big, razor wire topped fence.

Right now, I’m choosing to believe that this is, indeed, part of being family. We’re fighting for one another. We’re going out of our way to make time and sacrifices and compromises for one another. That’s what family does.

But I’m worried.

Worried that maybe we shouldn’t have to struggle so hard.

Worried that we’ll never be able to demolish that wall that’s built up between us.

Worried that we’ll slowly drift apart because it’s easier than struggling all the time.

Because family does that too.

KLZ is a sarcastic pain in the ass trying to work, raise a child and still find time to cuddle with her husband. When she’s not sleeping she tells funny stories about her life at Taming Insanity.

By Dana, Guest Writer, My 3 Little Ducks (@my3littleducks)

I love the ending of a good movie. Not the normal movie ending, but the tasty little tidbits that some directors give after the movie ends; a glimpse into the future of the characters you just fell in love with for two hours. The best movie ending EVER was The Hangover . If you have seen it you know exactly what I am talking about; what made it great was that everything was in “snapshot” format.

I feel like I walk through my day in that format taking snapshots of my kids, animals, friends, family, nature, etc. Just like all moms, I am absolutely my kids’ biggest fan and their own personal “crazy” paparazzi.

What if someone took snap shots of me during the day? What would they be? What would the caption say?

I’ll tell you what they would say…

Last month’s caption would have read:

Mom finds pile of dog poo at bottom of stairs in the AM and then pukes on it when trying to clean it up with a dust pan. 

Seriously… That did happen, and it did suck!

Because I was living, or at least trying to live life at the time I didn’t even think of it as memorable moment until my amazing friend was having a bad day and she called me and said “I just a had my-dog-pooed-on-the-floor-and-I-puked-on-it day.”  I was sad to hear she was having a bad day, but laughed because she referenced my bad day.

Who was there to capture that priceless poo moment? No one; even Colin, who was the only one up, didn’t see it go down.

What about all of those great times my friends and I sat around my table laughing, chatting and laughing. I would love to have pictures of that. Those great snapshot pictures where someone is leaning back laughing. Someone is pouring a glass of wine and someone is slapping the table because they are laughing so hard.

As mom’s we do so many things throughout the day that are sometimes bizarre, usually always needed, but most of the time never shared with anyone else except that lucky stranger that saw it go down. But almost always another mom would love to hear about, hopefully did the same thing and now can laugh about it.

Go SHARE!! SHARE with each other!! Tell stories, make fun of yourself, and laugh at yourself.  It takes a village to raise these amazing kids we all have. The biggest thing I’ve learned from my village of women is that we need each other. We need each other’s baggage. We need to laugh and cry together.

Whoever your village is, go take care of them! They will always take care of you.

By Betsy, Contributor, Funky Mama Bird, (@funkymamabird)

I’ve never really had trouble making friends. I’ve met people in school, in work, at the gym. I’ve even made some friends through blogging that became Real Life friends. So I’m not sure exactly what happened, but somehow after I had my son I stopped making friends easily. Part of it is the gap between my old friends and me now. Most of them are childless or have older kids; there isn’t anyone in the got-to-get-home-for-that-nap-or-all-hell-breaks-loose phase, so we don’t relate well anymore. More than likely, part of it is also the fact that I no longer hang out in coffee shops and attend concerts regularly. I mean, it was a lot easier to project an image of Funky Single Girl than it’s become to project Funky Mama with Toddler in Tow. Sure we’re all at the same playground, but not because we chose it for the height of the foam on the lattes, or the abstract art on the walls. And while I’m all about my son making some friends, he’s not at an age where I can drop him off at a friend’s house and go do my own thing. So if he’s hanging with a buddy, chances are I’m hanging with the mom. So I’d really rather make some friends with whom I have things in common, including a toddler, rather than the other way around.

I also know I’m not alone in this. I’ve read tons of blog entries about the making of Mom friends and how hard it is. I’ve even heard one mom go so far as to say she’s contemplating whacking some women over the head and dragging them home with her, she’s so desperate.

So here’s what I’m thinking; we put out some personal ads for Mom friends. Sort of like dating ads, only aimed at other moms. This way, we can weed through potential friends from the comfort of our living rooms and sweat pants without having to drag our kids off to yet another playground while we stand on the fringes of a mom group hoping to find a way in.

Here’s how I think mine would go:

Funky Mama Seeks Friend for Play Dates and Drink Nights

Do you enjoy romping through the splash pad at the park? Perhaps letting your hair down at the bar to gripe about how your husband got out of changing yet another dirty diaper? Maybe you have a child in the toddler age range?

I am the mother of a toddler and enjoy outings at the park, tattoos, SpongeBob and stiff drinks. I’m looking to meet another mom who would enjoy joining us on our outings, or dancing the night away while our husbands stay home with the sleeping tots. Perhaps you’re into extended babywearing, or you know all the words to the Gummie Bears theme song? Whatever your interest, we’d love to meet you at the swings some Saturday afternoon.

Serious inquiries only – we are looking for lasting friendships.

Think it will work? I mean, I’m not above clubbing someone over the head if need be, but I thought a gentler approach might be a better first step. After all, it might be kind of hard to get to know someone if she’s unconscious on your floor and bleeding from her ear. Although think what a conversation starter that would be!

By My Baby Sweetness, Guest Writer

I admitted this on my blog and now I’ll admit it here too.  It’s true – I’ve started dating.  And my husband… he knows…  Now I could go down the path of saying he’s ok with it because I’m dating women now, but I won’t (that didn’t count!).  I’m dating moms now – I’m play dating.

And let me say – I think it’s worse than the first time around…  Although there are so many parallels.  I started out play dating the way I dated – just thinking that I could hang out and let “mother nature” take her course.  But after a period I realized – I’m actually supposed to be an active participant in this process!  Who knew?

So I tried to the bar type pickups – only there are a new “singles” bars for the play dateless Mom – they’re the crying room at church, the park, the play area at the mall (brace yourself for that one!  It’s sort of like going to a theme bar…), the library or Chick-Fil-A (like the martini bar of this era of my life… apparently).

I tried the “8 minute” dating options – established Moms playgroups through church or that I heard about from friends.

I tried online dating – looking for Moms meetup groups, area playgroups, well anything!

And the truth is – this is not as easy as it looks.  When I was not a Mom, probably even when I was pregnant, I would see Moms together with their kids at the park and I figured everyone was totally open and welcoming and that the park was a great big meet and greet.  Now that I’m bringing my 15 month old there, I find that there’s a big range, but most people pretty much want to hang out with the people they came with (my husband tells me it’s much worse when he brings her and is the only Dad there – they really shy away from him).  I saw one woman at the park with her son who played “near” my daughter for quite awhile (they’re babies – they don’t play together per se).  A day or two later I happened to run into her at a Moms group and mentioned – oh, hey, we sort of met before!  You were at the park, right? The look on her face said, oh my God, stalker lady!

The truth is I’m finding so many of the same types of mismatches I found in dating.  Like when I was in my early 20’s and talking to a guy at the bar who suddenly realized I was 10 years younger than him and he fled.  Or around that same age when a friend set me up with a guy she was sure wasn’t much older than me who turned out to be 40 (and not a well kept 40 either.  I was a young looking 23 and he looked closer to 50.  We were both fairly skeeved.)  But now instead, I’ll meet a Mom and we’ll get along until we realize her kids are all in school and my daughter is only 15 months – so much for that play date.

There have been a few decent matches and I’ve STARTED to make friends, but it is not an easy road.  Among other things, Moms groups are incredibly hard to break into.  I’m not sure if the Moms with older kids just feel like the other moms with kids the same age are a better match up for their kids; are more likely to understand where they are; or they’ve known them forever and are established friends.  But the truth is – it starts to feel really cliquey!

But, in my time in the trenches of my new dating status, I have found a few good places to look:

1. the library
2. the park
3. kids classes – the free ones are my favorite… usually at the library!
4. Moms groups – through meetup, yahoo groups, the community
5. the crying room at church

I am definitely still struggling (and appreciate any other thoughts/suggestions), but I’ve found through my wonderful blogging community that – thank God! – I am not the only one.  I am not just repellant!  This is actually some hard work!

Please comment with any of your suggestions or mommy dating war stories!

By Shandal
Surely everyone is familiar with the ever so famous show called “Friends.”
I recently noticed that sometimes I compare myself with some of the characters of the show. For the most part, I can usually relate more to Monica (played by Courtney Cox). Monica is known for her amazing cooking skills, her OCD, and her eagerness to be a hostess in her tidy little apartment.

I, on the other hand can not stand being a hostess.

I do obsess about it like Monica does, though.

I want my house to be spotless; I want things to go as smoothly as possible. All that equals mass amounts of stress and anxiety for me. .. so I avoid hostessing at all costs. I’m not a big fan of “sporadic” visits by family, either. For the most part I keep our house clean. However, in my eyes, it’s not always presentable. I have two kiddos running around, who like to decorate our house with their toys. I feel like I’m constantly picking up toys, only to have my kids bring them get them right back out. It’s a lost cause, but I can’t stand messes!

I digress.

As I was saying, when it comes to hostessing, I’m no Monica… but her OCD issues are a whole other topic for a whole other post. I’m not as extreme as her, but when it comes to cleaning and organizing, I want it done my way: the right way!

What about you?

What character from TV do you most relate to?

Shandal is a stay at home mother of two. You can follow her journey of being a mom and wife, all while living a healthy lifestyle on her personal blog, My Life In 3D.