Posts Tagged ‘Farting’

By Honey B

So I’m traveling for work and one of my bosses remembers a comment about me doing the first day of a “Couch to 5K” program. He says, “Hey, let’s head to the Cardio Room for a workout tomorrow morning, you want to?” What the hell, of course I don’t want to! I did one day of the C25K and incapacitated myself for a week! And I’m in Vegas, I want to drink too much and sleep late! So I say, “Sure, what time?”

We meet at 7am. Going to the gym at such a horrendous time of day is almost good, because the mind is too numb to comprehend the coming horrors.

We walk in, and I almost turn around and walk out. Of course, it’s the city of plastic people who can actually walk in 6-inch stilettos. Of course! Some of these women have make up on!! I’m wearing yoga pants a size too small and a t-shirt that says Titanic Swim Team of 1912. Nothing but amazing bodies and spandex as far as the eye can see. It just makes you want to scream, why are you people here, don’t you have wheatgrass to be grazing on!?!

He heads over to one side, and I head to the other. Distance is good. This does not need to be witnessed by anyone I know- and oh how those words would ring true in a few minutes.

I’ve got a towel (in case I sweat- hah!), my iPhone with earbuds, and a bottle of water. I get on the treadmill and rev it up; I start walking at what I hope is a respectable pace. After about three twenty minutes, I accidentally knock my water bottle off the treadmill. So obviously I’m forced to take a break retrieve it. I step off the treadmill and lean over to pick it up, and the unthinkable happened…

I farted.

It was like when time stands still in the movies, and you’re thinking- that did NOT just happen.

Oh but it did. And it wasn’t just a little poof. It was a full on GI-system-reacting-to-too-much-Weight-Watchers-fiber. I’m pretty sure the seat of my pants billowed.

What is a girl to do?!? This was not a secret fart, when time started going again the hot gay guy on the treadmill next to mine smirked. He knew.

So I do what any self-respecting girl would do. I fake a phone call and walk out of the gym. On the way out, I signaled to my would-be workout partner that this is obviously an important phone call, which is what necessitated me to leave the gym and wait for him at Starbucks. With a chai tea latte and blueberry empanada

But what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, right? Right?!?

What your most embarassing workout moment?

Honey posts regularly at the Honey B. Blog, keeping you apprised of Baby Bucket List progress and the life of a wanna-be mommy!