Our Mommyhood

Posts Tagged ‘baby’s first year’

By Tonya, Guest Writer, Letters for Lucas

My son is turning one in a few days and that just seems crazy! Where did this year go? 365 days… poof, gone! Most days felt like an absolute eternity, while others simply flashed right before my eyes.

I think I’m still in complete denial that I’m someone’s mommy, that I even have a son; and honestly, I can’t believe I made it this far.

My son, Lucas is amazing and I love him more than words can say. He is the best thing I have ever done and he has changed my world in so many positive ways. He is growing and flourishing in ways that are beyond awesome to witness and he truly is a blessing, on the other hand, I am feeling lost in my attempt to figure out what it means to be “Mommy”.

I know I don’t have to tell you, because you are all smart women and undoubtedly have WAY more mommy experience than I do, but THIS IS TOUGH.

Way tougher than I ever thought.

Being a stay at home mom is hard work, and I’m not just talking about the physical labor part (making bottles, changing diapers, doing mounds of laundry, etc.), I’m referring to the emotional part, which for me has been the most challenging thing I have ever had to confront in my life. It scares me to death to think that I am only one year into it.

I feel like I lost everything when I had a baby; my independence, my freedom, my humility, my personal time and space, hours upon hours of sleep and some days, even my sanity. In just one short year, motherhood has already pushed me further than I ever thought I could go physically or mentally.

Perhaps I’m a selfish person, perhaps, I wasn’t quite mentally prepared to have a child. I thought I was, but there is A LOT that people don’t tell you about becoming a mother…

First and foremost, being a mom really sucks the life out of you. It’s exhausting and, again I’m not referring to the work part of the role, but the being “on” ALL THE TIME and if for one moment you’re not, the tremendous guilt that you feel. By the way, what is it with all the guilt?

Secondly, I didn’t know that my relationships would suffer once I became a mother, particularly the one with my son’s father. We are a great team and have somehow muddled through this first year together, but marriage definitely changes once you have a baby. It really is a wonder to me that siblings are even born because that little life sucker uses everything in his power to keep his dad and I apart day and night.

Whenever we happen to have any free time together (thank goodness for babysitters and family members), I want it all to myself, even though I know that I should be spending it getting reacquainted with my husband. After all, he helped me make this beautiful baby and I love him for it, but days go by and sometimes our only conversations are about our son; the latest cutest thing he’s done, his food intake, poop outtake or further insight into his needs and how we are or aren’t meeting them. I know with time, we will find our way. I should note that since we’ve had Lucas, we have had some of the best date nights.

The greatest part about motherhood is that I also feel like I gained everything when I had a baby. I have so much more self-confidence, patience and strength I never knew I possessed, love in my life and pride in my soul. I love being Lucas’ mother and I’m very excited about what lies ahead and where my mommy journey will take me.

After a year in, I know now that a lot of this first time mommy stuff really can’t be shared with you before you have a child, you have to learn on your own, right smack dap in the line of fire. Here’s to us, surviving our first year and a very happy first birthday, Lucas!