Our Mommyhood

Posts Tagged ‘adding to your family’

By Alyson, Contributor, Common Sense, Dancing (@AMLanders)

New Year’s Eve 1999  was a really big deal. After all,  the New Millennium was dawning and there was some significant angst that the End of the World as We Knew It was upon us. Remember all that Y2K stuff?

For my husband and I it was a big evening because we were going out. I can’t recall now all of the more minor details of where we going specifically, but I secured a babysitter for the evening so that we could leave 8-month-old Baby Girl and her Big 3 year old Sister with someone else and go ring in the new year with a delicious dinner. I was still nursing (and would continue to do so until she was about 18 months), but I was perfectly content to pump ‘n dump and sacrifice the Liquid Gold to a couple of good glasses of champagne.

But I was post-partum, and had gotten to know my husband again (nudge nudge), and therefore I had gotten in the practice of taking a monthly pregnancy test to confirm that our brood wasn’t growing any faster than I could manage. I hadn’t had a period in more than 18 months by that point in December 1999, and though I believed to be all-knowing about my body and its cycles I figured it was easier to pee on a stick than wonder. I had heard that women could get pregnant while exclusively breastfeeding their babies, but this was of course not going to happen to me because I was so in tune and aligned with myself, the Universe, Motherhood, etc. (Are you laughing at my naivete yet?)

So before we kissed our babies goodbye and headed out for the 4 course prixe fix meal offered at a nearby restaurant that would be blissfully kid-free, I got out the EPT test for the monthly check. Yes, I was a couple of weeks early to take it, but I figured that we could ring in the New Millennium without a fear of fetal alcohol syndrome.

From a thousand miles away you can see where this is going, right?

The stick turned pink/had two lines/the rabbit died. I was in a bit of shock, let me just say. A recap: my baby was 8 months old. I’ll help with this math: the new baby and the “old” baby would be 16 months apart when he was born in August. That’s 16 months. 16 months is not a lot of time. For yogurt or a package of cold cuts, perhaps, 16 months is a reallllly long time. For child spacing, not so much.

Uh, Happy New Year, honey. I guess I’ll pass on the champagne, dammit.

Post Script: Babies 2 and 3 are 16 months apart and the best of friends (despite #2 being a girl and #3 being a boy). I nursed #2 right through the pregnancy and through the birth (not literally; I am not that good). She laid claim to the left breast and Baby Brother was generously given the right breast. It was an interesting infancy for #3, let’s just say that. Baby #4 came around 2 years after #3, and was no surprise. The subsequent years, however, have been full of them (albeit not pregnancy related, thank goodness).

Alyson writes about where the real and the ridiculous meet up in her life over at Common Sense, Dancing. She’s been “officially” blogging in her head for more than a year, but only getting it out onto the computer since about April 2010. The four children are perfectly spaced now, as far as she’s concerned, since often times that space is at school and she’s at home on the computer.

By Mommie V, Staff Writer, My Little Slice of Mommie Heaven (@MommieV1)

Conversations:

Nosy Old Lady: Oh, what a precious baby girl.

Me:  Thank you.

NOL: Is she your first?

Me: Yes, she is

NOL: Does she have cousins?

Me: No, I’m an only child, so she is the only grandchild.

NOL: OH MY HEAVENS, you can’t let that go on much longer.

Another Nosy Old Lady: Oh, she’s so precious

Me: Thank you.

ANOL: Is she your only?

Me: Yes, she is

ANOL: Does your husband have a big family?

Me: I’m not married

ANOL: Do you have a big family?

Me: No, I’m an only child, and my dad’s family doesn’t have any children

ANOL: Oh, dear, I hope you’re planning to have another

I have conversations like this weekly.  Any time I take the Wee One out shopping, to a restaurant, or even to the grocery, I seem to end up in a conversation like that.  Apparently being the only child daughter of an only child single mother is the equivalent to … well, apparently it’s bad.

None of these Nosy Old Ladies express what their concern is.  By not having siblings and family children around, will she grow up to be selfish and self-centered, bored, lonely?  Am I selfish and self-centered, bored, lonely?

I loved being pregnant.  Even when I was sick, I loved the idea of a new life forming inside me.  I loved that my body was growing and nourishing my baby.  I enjoyed being pregnant so much, that I thought at the time that I must do this again.  I wasn’t sure if I would or not, but I didn’t consider it to be my only pregnancy.

I thought that I had a support system in place.  I thought that we would be fine, me and my Wee One.  I hadn’t expected pregnancy issues, ongoing health effects, or what 419 days without a full night’s sleep does to a person.  As my maternity leave was winding down, I suddenly realized what that would really look like.  It wouldn’t be impossible, it was something that I could do.  I was just realizing truly what that would entail.

I moved back home.  For me, that was a pretty significant event.  I left home 18 years ago and only came back to visit.  I never considered that I would live here again.  Even when the Wee One was on the way, I was adamant that I would live where I lived, that I could take care of her on my own.

I decided to move home to be closer to my family, to have more of a support system to take care of her.  I truly feel that was a good decision – it’s been good for me to be close to my family, it’s been wonderful for her to have her grandparents close.  And my parents help far more that I ever thought.  It’s been really great.

So I’ve been thinking about the “have another?” question.  Not just because of the Nosy Old Ladies in the grocery, but that does tend to bring up the thought.

I’ve read that you should have your second when your first is about two.  That’s when they’re so interested in the world that they won’t notice your attention being taken by a new little one.  That means … I’m running late.  Wee One will be 18 months old in about another week.

I’m quite independent.  And I ended up loving life on my own better than life with others.  Is that because I’m an only child?  Or because I’m an Aquarius, or something even more anecdotal and unrelated?  If I’d had siblings, would have I ended up less independent?  Or would I have just been miserable having to share life and interact when I’d rather read and play by myself?  My Wee One seems to love people.  Will she hate me for not giving her siblings?  I’ve already deprived her of a father in her life, shouldn’t I consider giving her other to love and to love her, in addition to extended family?

Time Magazine had a cover story over the summer that discussed these perceptions that only children are deficient in social skills.   (Eerie how similar her grocery store conversations were to mine.  Wonder if it was the same Nosy Old Lady.)  Their conclusion is that there isn’t anything to the rumors.  Only children are just as well adjusted and seem to score higher on intelligence tests.  So maybe I’m doing her a favor if I keep her an Only.

The decision wouldn’t just affect me.  My parents would end up helping even more with her if I had a newborn in arms, so they would be impacted by my decision as well.

Do I get rid of all the baby stuff as if I’m “done”?  Or do I let it languish in the basement “in case I have another”?

With two I’d be outnumbered.  Can one mama really handle two?  I’ve been reading mama blogs of single mama’s to two.  They don’t seem fazed by it at all.  My daycare would be more expensive.  Could I actually afford two?  (I already have the diapers!)

I turn 37 in January.  I wouldn’t be ready then.  Next summer?  Probably not?  Then when?  I’m going to be 38 schlepping around a preggo belly and then 39 and getting no sleep with a newborn?  Seriously?

But here’s the bottom line.  I thought the other day “I’d only have another if I knew it would be a boy.”  And that’s when I knew the answer is “no”.  I don’t know if it’s “not now” or “not ever”, but if I’m putting qualifiers on having another, then it definitely isn’t time.

And I only slightly feel like crying.

Now, about getting that cat …

By Cate, Guest Writer, Real Life with Kids (@reallifewkids)

I made sure to put “A Retrospective” and “#2″ in the title lest my mother or my other mother read this and get excited or otherwise agitated thinking we are expecting. Again. Because that store is closed. Lights off, nobody there.

When DW and I found out we were expecting Baby #2, Baby #1 was only a bit over a year old. We weren’t not trying to have another one, but it was surprising because the doctors had told us that if we wanted the first one, we’d better get going because my endometriosis had the potential to render me infertile. Again.

I think I did pretty well on the expecting part; it was when we got close to the delivery date that I started to fall apart.

I’m a planner. I’m sure my husband would offer the caveat here that being a planner doesn’t mean being organized. Then I would flip him off and walk with you to another room so we could talk without being interrupted by comments from DW that are certainly open for debate.

Just like when expecting Itchy, I had everything ready for little Scratchy. His beautiful crib – the same as Itchy’s, only in dark cherry. A little sailboat crib quilt and an embroidered whale duvet. Oxford striped crib sheets. A beautiful dark cherry dresser with a little wooden sailboat sitting on top, along with the changing pad and all of the baby needs – diapers, balms, etc., in a little basket with a sailboat liner.

As my due date approached, I began to realize that being prepared for the arrival of Baby #2 in a logistical sense (and awesomely matching accessories) was definitely not the same as being prepared for Baby #2 in an emotional sense. Itchy was my life! She and I were bonded in a way I’d never had with anyone before. I began having occasional nightmares where I would be somewhere with the new baby and Itchy, and I would forget Itchy when I left.

I was so worried that this new baby would somehow subtract from Itchy. That he would arrive and I would be leaving her with less of me than I wanted, less of me than she deserved.

What helped? Itchy herself was a balm to my anxious soul. She was SO excited for her baby brother to arrive! She would talk to my belly, and DW and I would read stories to my belly with Itchy sitting on our bed most evenings.

I would tell her that she needed to tell the baby that he could have ice cream if he came out soon. That she needed to tell him how yummy ice cream was. And my beautiful girl would whisper to my belly that she would share her ice cream with him if he would just come out (and I’m sitting here, crying, remembering this).

The pediatrician gave us some awesome advice regarding bringing Scratchy home. She told us that it would be a good idea to have a baby doll and accessories that Itchy could keep busy with and imitate what mommy was doing with the new baby. So I bought a Cabbage Patch baby, a little bassinet basket and little doll diapers, wipes, bottles, etc.

When Itchy came to the hospital to meet baby Scratchy – she was 22 months old and glowing with excitement. Oh, how she loved her baby brother. She loved the baby doll, who she named, “Scratchy,” also, and what we called “Baby Scratchy” to differentiate from the real baby.

When her daddy took her to stand outside the nursery window along with other folks looking at their babies, he held her up to see him and she shouted “HI, SCRATCHY!!!!” because she was worried he wouldn’t hear her through the glass. She then told everyone who would listen that Scratchy was her baby and she was a big sister.

I guess what I didn’t realize – and couldn’t realize, really, until he arrived – was that Scratchy and Itchy weren’t compartmentalized separately. That when he came home it would be a family affair. When I was nursing Scratchy, Itchy sat with her Baby Scratchy in the little rocking chair from my childhood and gave him a bottle. When Scratchy cried and DW and I were comforting him, Itchy was right there wanting to help as well.

I didn’t realize how she would embrace him and that so much love could come from a little 22 month old girl. That bringing home Baby #2 was not an event just for mom and dad, but an event for our little family.

As with most things in life, my concerns about Expecting Baby #2 were so much bigger than reality.

I can tell you that Itchy is almost 13, Scratchy is almost 11 and that they are very close. They drive each other crazy, but that’s kind of in the sibling job description (see the post on MY brother). Itchy is Scratchy’s ‘straight man’ and she laughs at all of his jokes. Scratchy is Itchy’s lieutenant and generally follows along when she has a plan to carry out. It has been truly wonderful to watch them grow as individuals and as brother and sister. Can’t wait to see what else they have in store for us.

How did you handle preparations for Baby #2 (or #3 or #4)?

By Betsy, Contributor, Funky Mama Bird (@funkymamabird)

I spent this past Friday night in the company of some fun and charming ladies, three of whom happened to be pregnant. I wound up leaving that night with some serious pregnancy envy and a burning question in my mind: How do you know when you are ready to have the next one?

After a lot of thought,  and a few more margaritas, I managed to compile this handy chart for reference. If you are also wondering if it’s time to have another baby, take a look below and find your readiness level.

Answer the following questions and total your score at the end to see if you are ready for another baby.

Are you particularly attached to seeing your feet? Yes = 2points No =1point

Are you ready for the brain calisthenics required to figure out how you can vomit up everything you eat and still gain weight? Yes = 1point No=2points

Is your current child still small enough to want to stand in your lap and dance on your internal organs causing pain and bruising to your kidneys daily? Yes=2points No = 1point

Is your lower back already strained from the constant hoisting of a toddler who demands, “Up mama!” five seconds after he has requested to be put down? Yes = 2points No = 1point

Have you successfully achieved “labor amnesia”? Yes = 1point No = 2points

Have you forgotten about and recovered from the bone sucking fatigue of early infancy? Yes=1point No=2 points

Do you have enough gender neutral hand-me-downs or a bank account large enough to sustain another nesting/purchasing cycle? Yes=1point No=2points

Do you look at pregnant women with a feeling of smug superiority? Yes=2points No=1point

Do you look at pregnant women with a feeling of envy and longing? Yes=1point No=2points

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To find your score, total the number of points from above.

9 – 13 points – Congratulations! You are mentally prepared for the process of attempting to conceive your next child. Your heady optimism is sure to get you through no matter how long it takes to get pregnant with that little bundle, and the soul sucking fatigue of both early pregnancy and early infancy while you chase your older child(ren).

14 – 18 points – Congratulations! You are self aware enough to realize that even if you succumb to those feelings of pregnancy envy and do get pregnant again, that the end result is worth it in the end, no matter how hard the journey. And if you do manage to keep those pregnancy longings away, you’ll be doing so with the proper blend of smugness and superiority required for a healthy self esteem.