Our Mommyhood

I’m an angry person. I’m also a mother.

As my firstborn son grows older, I realize what a dangerous mix these can be. I don’t mean hitting. Or even yelling, though I’ve been known to do that. Something as simple as removing a child’s hat and shoes can be violent.

Like this morning. I recently received some “logical consequences” parenting tips from an experienced mother and childcare provider. Her advice covered what to do if your child won’t eat breakfast and put his shoes on (when the time is up, calmly remove his breakfast, pick up the child and his shoes, and head to the car).

This advice is excellent. Unfortunately, it doesn’t tell me what to do if my son throws a dishcloth at my feet instead of putting it into my outstretched hand and—when I ask him to pick it up and hand it to me—shouts “No!” and runs out of the room.

What are the logical consequences of his actions, besides having Mommy pick up the dishcloth herself? I have no idea. But it had been a long, trying morning after a long, trying week, and I was fed up. After asking him a few times to pick it up—and having him shout “No!” if he responded at all—I followed him to the living room, announced that we would not, in fact, be visiting the preschool as planned, and he could prepare to stay home for the morning.

I should have stopped there. Instead, I yanked off his hat, unzipped his coat, and pulled off his shoes. He sat on the floor and wailed.

I didn’t know what to do. I grabbed a laundry basket and began folding, partly to be busy and partly to calm myself down. My husband, carrying the baby, came into the room. I didn’t look up.

“I don’t know what to do,” I said. “I know my response was out of control, but I don’t know how to fix it now.”

“He’s been crying long enough,” my husband said. “You should go make up with him.”

I went and sat on the floor near Max and apologized. He stopped wailing and crawled into my lap. I held him and told him I loved him very much.

Then I told him that until I had him, I’d never been a Mommy before. I was learning how to do it, and I was trying very hard, but I wasn’t always good at it. I told him that I’d always be his Mommy and I was doing my best, and I was sorry for acting out in anger.

I have so much to learn. I have to learn that normally harmless behavior—pulling off my child’s shoes—can seem violent. I have to learn to pick my battles, that I won’t have instant obedience on all fronts all the time, that some mornings I’ll be grumpy and I have to learn to take a deep breath.

He’s more cognizant than ever of his place in the world. He’s sweet and polite and almost three years old. Of course he’s still trying to figure things out.

So am I. But as the parent, I’d better figure things out a lot sooner.

How do you learn to control your anger as a parent? Have you ever felt like you should apologize to your child?

By Julia M.  She  is a wife and a mom in transition.  She shares her real life stories for every mom to understand, share and feel better about their own experiences.  Determination and hard work are not new to this former marathoner and mountain biker.  With two children and no longer a stay at home mom, she shares what life is like on the move.  For more information about her and more stories about her antics, check out It’s Not Like A Cat.

Julia M (Twitter: @notlikeacat) is a mom and wife in transition. From being a marathoner and mountain biker, to returning to her body after injury and pregnancy, having one child to having two, being a SAHM to moving back into the workplace, Julia keeps Our Mommyhood up to date on the life of a mom on the move. When she’s not overwhelmed by the produce from the CSA, obsessing about cloth diapers, cooking up meals from scratch or parenting her two boys, you can find her on her blog It’s Not Like a Cat. Follow along as she finds herself and makes her transition.

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