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The Nurse
November 16th, 2010 | 
Author: By Mommie V, Staff Writer, My Little Slice of Mommie Heaven (@MommieV1)
I know I’m not the only single mother in this entire universe; medical professionals have to encounter other single mothers other than me. So why do I constantly feel like I’m blazing a trail?
My daughter has had an ongoing illness. She had been doing well on antibiotics, until last Wednesday when she came home from daycare with a fever. Probably a virus, so we had been treating with the fever medicines and baths and fluids and rest and mommie time. On the fourth day, at 1:30 in the morning, I awoke to her screams to find her burning hot – hotter than I have ever felt her. The forehead thermometer read 104.1.
Our physician’s office transfers to a local pediatric acute care center to answer calls after hours. A nurse answers the phone, and your questions. I called to find out what to do, other than what I was doing. I was scared; that’s a high fever.
The nurse tried to give me a rule of thumb to determine if my baby was sick enough to go to the hospital. Her question to me: “She’s not acting as sick as your husband does, is she?” My answer, after a pause: “No.”
This is not the first time I have had a pediatric nurse behave insensitively to my single-mom status. When pregnant and interviewing pediatricians, I was asked some information by a desk clerk at one office. When she got to “father’s name” I said “he’s not involved.” She said “we still need his name” and I said “he will not be involved.” She asked again and I said “there is no father.” Her reply? “There has to be a father.”
Lady, I teach Biology for a living. I understand your insistence that sperm had to be provided somehow; I am trying to politely tell you that the world doesn’t work the way you think it should for everyone in it.
Finally she wrote a big “N/A” in the blank; I smiled and said, “Thank you.”
This time, in the middle of the night, holding a naked toddler wrapped in a blanket with a stuffy nose and a fever, I chose not to stand on my platform. I chose not to make the point that I am single, that there are single mothers out there, that not everyone has a husband.
But I probably should have. Because she will continue to make the assumption, she will continue to talk to women as if they all have men, she will continue to marginalize with her words the experience of a woman alone in the night with a sick baby by assuming there is a man asleep in her bed next to her.
These experiences continue to take me by surprise, to whisk words from my mouth. Do I take the opportunity I have on the phone with a nurse, holding a sick baby in my arms, to correct her worldview? If I don’t who will? Maybe she makes the assumption because every single mother she’s ever asked that question to has also avoided the subject. Because it’s hard when you’re frightened in your heart for the health of your child, to speak on principle about your life situation.
I chose to continue a conversation with the health professional because I wanted to continue to get information about caring for my sick child. In order to do that, I subverted a conversation I wanted to have about who I am, what our life is like and that there are a vast number of other women like me, who are also single mothers, who will also have feverish babies in the middle of the night, who also want to be respected.
I tell myself that I did the right thing; it just doesn’t feel that way.
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I want to say first, you did the right thing. Your child’s health comes first. Educating the idiots that we encounter is not a priority. I live with my boyfriend (so I am not completely single) but everybody wants me to fit in their little mold of what they expect from my relationship. First, I get that people assumed we are married, because God for forbid, middle aged people live together like 20 year olds. And when they decide that okay we are not married, we must be engaged. No on that part too. I have listed him as my domestic partner on some forms, then everybody assumes I am a lesbian. You can’t win for losing. Keep your chin up. We all encounter these idiots.
Michelle Saunderson´s last blog ..Christmas is Fast Approaching- Gotta Get My Christmas Mojo
i work with a lot of elementary school kids, and i never assume that a kid has a mom AND a dad. i’m always careful with how I ask things. “who brought you today?” “who is picking you up today?” i never assume that anyone has both parents or that they are still married.
julia´s last blog ..Working Moms Guide To Coupons
I would have been really annoyed by that questions as well. As a single mother, I often come across people assuming that dad is at home helping out. I usually just say “I’m a single mother” and smile. I guess it’s better that they assume I have a husband at home than not, particulary being a black woman.
I have been a single mother of 5 for over 13 years now and have gotten all kinds of ‘assumptions’ over that time.
When I respond something like, “I wish I had a husband” with sadness-that seems to say a lot and the persons’ heart takes a change and they may be more compassionate.
Having sick children is just hard.
Dealing with it yourself is even harder.
She is blessed to have a mother who is so loving and there when she needs you!
I hope it all worked out for your daughter and she is back to her healthy self.
Reyna´s last blog ..The Blog Crumb Trail
You did the right thing…her health was urgent, and the nurse wasn’t someone you’d have a long term relationship with. I am noticing this more in child care books, lately. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child is on my LAST nerve, talking about how nothing will work unless “the husband” is involved. So lesbian, unmarried, and single parents are screwed. Their children will never, ever sleep.
Oh, you definitely did the right thing. We have to prioritize; then process when we have time. Yes, she was insensitive and out of touch but in the moment, your daughter’s condition and care were all that mattered. You could write a letter to that facility and address the issue with her supervisor now though.
Lara´s last blog ..Boys Adrift
I’m a good decade and a half younger than the average nurse, but sometimes the differences between a nurse my age and the average age smacks me upside the head. She seriously said, there has to be a father? *forehead slap*
But I digress- while I’m glad you did the right thing in not stopping to educate at that particular moment, I think you have a huge opportunity in doing that with your daughter, which she will in turn do as well. The best learning starts at home, and I have no doubt that your daughter will grow up to be cognizant and respectful of people with different definitions of normal.
Honey B.´s last blog ..I Have a Confession…
[...] *Mommie V, a Staff Writer, shared her frustrations with the medical community and its apparent unawareness of how to appropriately speak to single parents. [...]