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Blended Families and the Holidays
November 13th, 2010 | 
Author: By Betsy, Editor, Funky Mama Bird (@funkymamabird)
There are more than 900,000 divorces finalized each year. As more blended families emerge from these statistics, more balancing acts need to emerge for the holidays.
Two Household Families
No matter whether you or your ex-spouse has remarried, chances are your kids are going to be in high-demand with both of you for the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas are two of the most stressful days of the year for adults, even while they are attempting to make this a joyous time for their kids.
In many cases, even when the marriage is over there may still be emotions running high that can intensify around this time of year. Whether your ex has remarried and you don’t like the idea of your kids spending Thanksgiving with their new step-mother, or the divorce is still so new you haven’t yet figured out how this is going to work, remember to keep what’s important in mind: the children.
Children of Divorce
Whether you have been extremely open with your children about what has happened to your relationship with their father, or whether they only know the barest details, now is not the time to go into detail. Children can quickly feel like pawns in a game of chess when the holiday lines are drawn. To avoid this kind of scenario, consider the following ways to blend your family’s dynamics for the holidays:
Thanksgiving Leftovers
If you’ve missed out on having the kids for Thanksgiving this year, consider making a big day out of the day after. Instead of braving the Black Friday crowds, teach your kids the art of building the perfect leftover turkey sandwich. If you’ve had the kids for Thanksgiving at your home, send them to your ex’s for the day after to keep things running smoothly.
Flip Years
If the children were with you for Thanksgiving last year, it’s time to switch. This may not feel like the easiest thing to do, particularly if your ex has a new partner in his life, but it can foster a lot of good will, both with your ex and with your kids.
Flip holidays each year as well: if you gave up Thanksgiving, send your kids to your ex’s house for Christmas Eve and make sure they come home in time to go to bed and wake up at your house Christmas day. The next year, switch it up again. It can take some juggling to make sure everyone feels included, and it may never feel like the perfect scenario but working out these details can help make the holidays a joyous time for the kids.
Putting Animosity on Hold
No matter what you think about your ex, his new wife, new lifestyle or anything else, put it on hold till after the New Year. It’s easy to get caught up in feeling hurt and placing blame, but that’s only going to make everyone involved feel awful for the holidays, including your kids.
This goes for step-parents as well; it’s easy to blame your husband’s ex for a whacked out holiday schedule, but that’s not going to win you any points with the kids. Even in the midst of a roaring custody debate, keep negative feelings from the children; they’ll thank you for the calm spot in the storm eventually.
Remember that everyone’s emotions, including the kids’ are going to be running high. Hurtful words, negative feelings and some less than goodwill toward man type feelings are going to come out. Letting them go as much as possible and focusing on the good times of the season will help ensure everyone gets through the holidays unscathed and in one piece.
Is your family blended? Share some tips with others in the forum on how you get through the holiday season.
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Very well said!
Great and much needed advise.
I have facilitated divorce recovery groups for 12 years and this is always a tough but essential topic.
I also am a divorced, single mother or 5.
Been there, done that.
You hit it right on the nose.
Thank you for your wisdom!
Reyna´s last blog ..Graduating From The Couch
[...] Blended Families and the Holidays | Our Mommyhood It can take some juggling to make sure everyone feels included, and it may never feel like the perfect scenario but working out these details can help make the holidays a joyous time for the kids. Putting Animosity on Hold . [...]
900,000 divorces finalized every year?!? Gah! That’s awful! This is great advice, and good to keep in mind. I wonder if the kids every start to feel like cattle being herded here and there and back again. I guess there’s no easy answer, but a good attitude would be a must.
How about single divorced parents who find themselves alone on a holiday for the first time? What advice for them?
Bethany´s last blog ..Not Even A Drumroll Sigh
I’m afraid I can’t help with advice for that one! I’ll keep my eye open for an expert, though.
Betsy´s last blog ..The Cuddle
Great advice for those going through or have already been through divorce. I’m divorced as well. My ex-husband and I have 3 children together and as crazy as holidays must get with the shuffle of children, I so wish that we had that dilemma in our lives. Unfortunately, my ex has nothing to do with our children so there is no deciding who goes where during which holiday. It’s sad, but true. I’m glad you’ve found a system that works for your family and I think it’s wonderful that you’re sharing it with others.
Kristi, Live and Love…Out Loud
@TweetingMama
Kristi {at} Live and Love…Out Loud´s last blog ..Dear Twitter- Keep Your Penises and Vaginas to Yourself
I’m so sorry to hear that. Nothing in these situations is easy; we have our own dramas playing out over here. I hope your kids are doing alright with the situation!
An important post. My sister’s family is blended and while we care for her family very much, we have to share her on the holidays now. We miss her when she’s not there. The blended family affects the extended relatives as well.
Lisa´s last blog ..Disney Traditions updated Tue Nov 9 2010 11-06 am CST