Our Mommyhood

Kristi, Guest Writer, Live and Love…Out Loud (@TweetingMama)

Marriage is a sacred union – one that thrives on love, honesty and a mutual respect. Two people with two totally different personalities come together as one in the name of love. Promises are made. Rings are exchanged. They kiss and ride off into the sunset.

Then all hell breaks loose.

You know, no one ever told me that marriage would be so tough. Sure they said that it was hard, but no one mentioned that I’d be tempted to rip my husband’s face off on occasion.

So… In an effort to rid the world of its happily-ever-after view of marriage, I present you with a few simple rules to surviving marriage without ripping your husband’s face off. You can thank me later.

1. Compromise sucks. Specifically when I’m doing the compromising. Keep a mental record of every single compromise you’ve made. You may need to use it against him in the future.
2. Let him think he came up with some of those brilliant ideas. Look, you and I both know the truth. That’s all that matters.
3. Sharing a bathroom with your husband can be hazardous to your health. For the love of God, look before you sit. Doing a quick toilet seat and toilet paper check is worth the extra effort. I learned that the hard way.
4. Televised sports are your best friend. He’ll enjoy watching the game while you enjoy a few hours of freedom. Send the kids to Grandma’s house and take a bubble bath or something.
5. When in doubt, it’s the hubby’s fault. Duh.
6. Keep those secret shopping sprees on the DL. Get a secret charge account, rotate your shopping bag hiding spot – so as to avoid suspicion – and dispose of all evidence away from your home.
7. Forget the I-have-a-headache excuse. Diarrhea, Aunt Flo and hairy legs will get you out of just about any of those pesky wifely duties. Trust me.
8. And speaking of wifely duties… Never underestimate the power of seduction. Have your honey-do list on hand and slip it to him post-coitus. It works. Every. Single. Time. But be warned, you only have a ten minute window before the post-coital effects wear off.

These tips are simple, effective and guaranteed to ensure the survival of your marriage and your husband’s face, but I’m pretty sure I missed a few. Tell me… How have you survived marriage without ripping your husband’s face off? I’m all ears!

Read Kristi’s tips for surviving teenagers.

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Kristi’s navigating a sea of teenage hormones, dirty diapers and a family with ever-changing needs and finding humor in it all. She blogs her butt off at Live and Love…Out Loud. Oh, and she loves her husband. Even if he says and does stupid stuff sometimes.

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