The Perfect Mom: Does it exist?
July 31st, 2010 | 
Author: by Honey B, Contributor, The Honey B (@thehoneyb)
Today I was thinking about all the reasons why I want to wait and finish the Baby Bucket List before I get pregnant.
Part of it is just wanting to feel prepared, and get some things off my plate before I take on the monumental task of motherhood. But another part of it is the paranoid part of me that is afraid that I’ll get pregnant, and then think whoa, did I really even want kids? The fear that I would resent my children for impeding my ability to do, well anything really- go on a trip, sleep, having a clean house, have the body I did before I got pregnant- what if I get into it and its not what I wanted it to be?
The blogosphere is positively brimming with posts about Mom’s who say motherhood was harder than they expected, not what they expected, and that its SO much harder than they expected. Wow. That is some scary shit. These are women who were ecstatic about getting pregnant- some after months or years of trying to conceive- and are feeling like they were dealt a really unexpected blow when motherhood isn’t all sunshine and happiness. Every expecting mother says they anticipate that it won’t always be easy and there will be rough days, but I’m starting to wonder if there isn’t some kind of self-delusion going on. The kind of delusion where we think I am different and I will be the perfect mother and I will be completely fulfilled by this life I have chosen and not loving being a mother every hour of every day is akin to not loving my child. Omg, did someone spike the Koolaid?? Where did the perfection requirement enter into this?!
I will admit I don’t understand a lot of what makes Mommies want to be perfect. I think about the choices I’ve made in life, like being married. Before I got married, I knew that it wasn’t going to be fun every day, and that there will be days when the single life seems like that’s where it’s really at. And of course, actually living it is far more in your face and unhappy than what you imagine before you’re married. But when the first fight happens and you have a rough day in marriage land, do I feel like being a wife is a mistake? No, I don’t! I think it’s a crappy day and I really hope that I like him more tomorrow.
Perfection wasn’t ever part of the equation when I thought about married life on a daily basis. In today’s society, there is a 50/50 chance of the marriage ending in divorce. That’s a pretty gruesome rate, and aren’t we thankful that it parenthood doesn’t have statistics like that? And yet we act as though anything less than perfect motherhood isn’t acceptable. Much like the choice to breastfeed or have a natural delivery or any other hot-button issue that Mommies get nasty about, its all about providing the best for your children. But sometimes, I think Mommies need to just cut themselves some slack.
But the old adage holds true, easier said than done…and I worry that I won’t be happy once I take the plunge.
What do you think?
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As a mother of a now one year old, I totally fit that mom that strives for perfection. And as you said in a marriage, I knew going in things weren’t going to be perfect , but as a mom bringing in a new being to this world, I wanted to make sure I was doing everything the “right way”. Does this make sense? I knew it was going to be tough, I don’t feel as if I was mislead, but I also made sure I was educated. I planned on nursing, so I did my research- how many feedings per day for what age etc, so that I KNEW what I was getting into. I still strive to maintain a great balance in my home while not getting my expectations too high. I KNOW that I can’t be perfect but it doesn’t stop me from trying and doing my best.
I do a lot of research on things too, but I think I need to pick my top two things, and make them the priority. I know I can’t do everything, but I’m thinking maybe if I focus on one or two things, like you did with breastfeeding, I can feel ok about not being perfect in everything!
This is the main topic of my blog. I struggle daily to be the “perfect” mom, working mom, and happy mom. And no, I don’t think “perfect” is attainable based on how some people define it. I do what I can. I try to follow the rules and advice. But sometimes I just do what I have to do.
Latest post: Serenity now! http://www.3MomsInOne.com
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I am one of those mothers that just dove in at a really young age without putting much thought into what parenting would actually involve. I think I just wanted to roll the dice and see if I’d get a boy or a girl, get to pick the name, and find a bunch of cute clothes to dress him in. Mature, huh? But I’ve gone through motherhood with a very laid-back attitude. I don’t care much what other people think of me – I do it my way, and I’ve learned that screwing up is going to happen, no matter how good your intentions are. I think there are a lot of people out there who don’t like to admit their mistakes, or maybe don’t even see them, but I doubt there’s a single mother out there who’s got it 100% right. And all the moms who claim to have it all down with their perfect children – I bet their kids are totally screwed up in real life.
The good news is that no matter what kind of day you have with your kids, you never stop loving them or loving the job. Sometimes you have to dig for it, but it’s always there.
The ones that seem to have it all together always seem to be falling apart on the inside don’t they??
I am in no way a perfect mother and I know it. I take motherhood one day at a time and try not to worry too much about whether I should be having the kids do this or that. No one is perfect and there will be days that are better than others.
I’m very laid back about it all. My husband on the other hand is exactly the opposite. He needs to be prepared for everything. It’s funny, because there are times when something happens and I am prepared to follow my gut and he wants to get “internet advice” first and it turns out that my gut reaction was the suggested reaction from the experts.
The way I see it is if today was a bad day, well then tomorrow can only get better!
My husband is the internet research type too…it will be an interesting way to test my ‘mothering instinct’ someday! lol
My hubby and I had many long talks about when we would get pregnant. The more we talked, the more we realized that if we wait til we do everything we wanted to get done, we’ll never have a baby. There was no “perfect time”. So we jumped…and got pregnant way sooner than expected!
I had hopes of being a “perfect mom” but my grand plans got smashed in labor when my “perfect home birth” dreams ended with a trip to the hospital after 18 hours and failure to progress. Then three days into his life, my son was admitted to the hospital and all the perfect mom things I was going to do were gone.
Finally at 6 weeks and treatment for PPD, I gave up on being the perfect mom. Instead, I just try to be a loving mom. I stopped subscribing to particular parenting philosophies and just tried to do my best. It was liberating and it’s better for me, my husband and my son.
Something amazing happens when you have that first baby. Really, it’s a miracle (besides the birth) – but I’m talking about what happens inside of you – there’s a whole bunch of stuff you never realized was there – like a secret garden, blooming with beautiful stuff you never knew was there! And, that amazing what-ever-it-is is what makes you a mom, makes you love in ways unimaginable, and makes you try to be better than you are (which is why no mom is perfect) – but it’s o.k. because love just makes it o.k.
http://bluecottonmemory.wordpress.com/2010/06/02/mothers-formed-like-diamonds/
I was at an outdoor wedding this past weekend and had to excuse myself because my very spirited almost 2 year old had no interest in sitting through a wedding ceremony. So as I stood with him as he played in the dirt admiring the wedding from afar, another mom came walking toward us with her child. Apparently he had also had enough of the quiet ceremony. We chatted for a minute and I asked how old her son was. She said that he turned 3 that very day. Then she proceded to explain why he had a pacifier in his mouth and how bad she knows it is but he likes it so much and on and on she went. I felt awful for this mom who obviously felt the pressure of having to appear perfect that she had to defend something to me, a total stranger. I said back to her that I am still breastfeeding my son, which many consider controvercial, but as moms we do what we have to do to get by. She smiled and said that she wished that she could have nursed past 6 months but couldn’t. I smiled and said that there were many days (and nights) that I wished my son would take a pacifier, but he refused. How funny that what we each feel is a hinerance was what the other once hoped for. Ahhh, the illusion of perfection.
You are right, there are so many people out there who want to be perfect. I see it all the time. I want to tell them ‘wake up!’. Life is not all roses. It is not perfect and you don’t need to be perfect. I remember thinking before I had my first that it would be like one of those babies on the soap opera. You know, they are just kind of in the background and only there when you want them to be. Yeah right! Definitely don’t try to be perfect. There is no such thing. Just go with the flow. You will be much happier that way!
I was one of those girls that didn’t really want kids- at least I never gave it too much thought. When Bob and I found out we were pregnant, we were really blown away. Then we had our son. The experiences we had during pregnancy and after he came were far richer than anything we did in our childless days. We are far from perfect- and gave up trying years ago.
I think your sentiment about having bad days in marriage will pretty much echo what happens when and if you decide to become a mom. Sounds pretty level headed to me.
Ah, perfection. I don’t seek it, but I insisted on natural delivery and insist on breastfeeding, cloth diapers, potty training around age two, wholesome snacks….and am suffering from a pretty severe bout of PPD this second time around. Unfortunately, I’m not sure how to let go of my ideals (Would disposables really make me a bad person? Is the baby REALLY better off with a depressed, angry, resentful, exhausted-but-breastfeeding-mother, or would he thrive with a relaxed, happy, possibly-Zoloft-taking formula-feeding mother?). I’m a bit of a purist and a little OCD at times, plus a control freak. Throw in the fact that I feel like I failed in other parts of my life, and you have a sinking ship madly waving the pennant of “perfect motherhood.” Hah.