By Cheri, Guest Writer, It’s So Very Cheri
Help me come up with names for each of the chapters. Click the button and it will take you to the page that has each of the chapters.
Continued from:
The next morning we got up. This was the day I was to go in for the DNC. We talked a little more and called my doctor’s office to talk with the Dr, who I was told, was not available. I explained that I was cancelling the DNC.
The next call I made, was to Paula. I asked her if we could set up an appointment for a second opinion. I knew the chances of getting in might be weeks away, but I figured time was on my side. If we lost the baby I could call back to see what I needed to do and if not I would go at the first available appointment. Paula told me she had already taken the liberty of speaking with one of their doctors and he told her if I would like to come in, THAT DAY, he had a few hours and he would block off time for us. When does that happen?
As soon as I hung up the phone our phone was ringing, it was the first Drs office and the Dr was instantly available to tell me “You were never pregnant. There is no reason for a 2nd opinion. You need this DNC. It is ridiculous to cancel this appointment”.
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My head was spinning. “What? What about the baby, we saw on the sonogram?”
The Dr. replied, “There’s no baby, it’s an empty sack.”
I responded, “NO, you told us, that we needed to have a DNC because it didn’t look promising. You never said anything about an empty sack. I am getting a 2nd opinion, so cancel my DNC.”
She was furious with me, but that did not matter to me. I had an appointment with another doctor, that day.
Although, I didn’t realize it at that time, or for a very long time, the appointment I had for a second opinion, would be life altering for me, for us.
God’s hand was in it. I had just talked with Paula the night before and I had called her, just a few minutes ago and I had an appointment for a second opinion.
I would not learn this info, until years later, but my second opinion appointment, was not with just any OB/GYN group. It was THE GROUP, that delivered more babies, at the top hopital. Most of the nursing staff considered them to be the best group, not just the largest, but the BEST. If you were a patient of theirs, you got top treatment. PLUS, Preemie babies from all over the state were flown to this hospital. So I didn’t “just” have a 2nd opinion, I had a second opinion, with THE BEST.
After I hung up the phone, we got ready. Just before leaving I stopped to go to the bathroom. You know how it is when you are pregnant, you are going to the bathroom constantly and we had a 45 minute drive to the doctor’s office. I went into the bathroom, and that moment will forever be etched in my brain and on my heart. I stood up and I saw something I had never seen before. I was sure I had just lost my baby. The tissue was different than anything I had ever seen before and I just knew. My heart knew.
I stood there thinking ‘What am I supposed to do?’ ‘Am I supposed to grab it and take it with me?’ ‘Do I just flush the toilet?’
That was my baby and I was so conflicted. I know some people say ‘it’s just a fetus’ but it was mine and it wasn’t just a fetus to me. That fetus, that tiny little baby, with a tiny little heartbeat that we saw on a sonogram screen just a couple of days ago, already had our hearts. I stood there for what felt like an eternity. I know this may seem like a strange thought, because my baby looked like tissue and not a sweet little baby, but it was so hard knowing that would be the only time I would see my baby.
I would never get to cradle him/her in my arms or nurse or look into my baby’s eyes and say those 3 little words, “I love you”. We would never know if he or she was a HE or a SHE, we would never know who they would have looked like, what color of eyes. We would never get to count those little toes and fingers or walk the floors with a sick baby, or rock and sing him/her to sleep. We would never get to run our fingers through their hair or breathe in their smell. We would never sit at the table and help him/her with their homework, or teach him/her to drive, or experience their first date, graduation, a wedding, there would be a lot of “NEVERS”.
My husband knocked on the door, checking on me, because we needed to leave. I opened the door and told him what had just happened. I asked him what we were supposed to do. THAT was one question I had not thought to ask Paula. At this point in my life, I only knew of one Aunt who had lost twins. This was unfamiliar territory for me.
I just couldn’t bear to flush the toilet. That may seem so strange but it was so definite and I just couldn’t do it. My husband didn’t think we would need to take it with us, so he flushed the toilet.
That little life had changed our lives forever and no one would know, that this little life had even existed, inside of me, for a couple of months. I would never have a grave to go visit or a place to leave flowers, as a remembrance. This memory, this aching hole in my heart would be with me for the rest of my life, till my last dying breathe. I would be the one to safely guard this baby’s memory.
We made our way to the Drs office. Paula greeted us and we were introduced to the Dr. He invited us back to his office. We sat down and I asked if he had some tissues and I apologized ahead of time, explaining I might sob through the entire appointment because I was SURE, I had just lost my baby. He handed me a box of tissues and told both of us, we could cry all we wanted. He assured us that he had indeed marked off a couple of hours just for us. He explained that he wanted to get all of my records from my other doctor’s office and he would want to do blood work to confirm that I had indeed lost the baby, just in case.
Until next time…
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