Our Mommyhood

Archive for July, 2010

by Honey B, Contributor, The Honey B (@thehoneyb)

Today I was thinking about all the reasons why I want to wait and finish the Baby Bucket List before I get pregnant.

Part of it is just wanting to feel prepared, and get some things off my plate before I take on the monumental task of motherhood. But another part of it is the paranoid part of me that is afraid that I’ll get pregnant, and then think whoa, did I really even want kids? The fear that I would resent my children for impeding my ability to do, well anything really- go on a trip, sleep, having a clean house, have the body I did before I got pregnant- what if I get into it and its not what I wanted it to be?

The blogosphere is positively brimming with posts about Mom’s who say motherhood was harder than they expected, not what they expected, and that its SO much harder than they expected. Wow. That is some scary shit. These are women who were ecstatic about getting pregnant- some after months or years of trying to conceive- and are feeling like they were dealt a really unexpected blow when motherhood isn’t all sunshine and happiness. Every expecting mother says they anticipate that it won’t always be easy and there will be rough days, but I’m starting to wonder if there isn’t some kind of self-delusion going on. The kind of delusion where we think I am different and I will be the perfect mother and I will be completely fulfilled by this life I have chosen and not loving being a mother every hour of every day is akin to not loving my child. Omg, did someone spike the Koolaid?? Where did the perfection requirement enter into this?!

I will admit I don’t understand a lot of what makes Mommies want to be perfect. I think about the choices I’ve made in life, like being married. Before I got married, I knew that it wasn’t going to be fun every day, and that there will be days when the single life seems like that’s where it’s really at. And of course, actually living it is far more in your face and unhappy than what you imagine before you’re married. But when the first fight happens and you have a rough day in marriage land, do I feel like being a wife is a mistake? No, I don’t! I think it’s a crappy day and I really hope that I like him more tomorrow.

Perfection wasn’t ever part of the equation when I thought about married life on a daily basis. In today’s society, there is a 50/50 chance of the marriage ending in divorce. That’s a pretty gruesome rate, and aren’t we thankful that it parenthood doesn’t have statistics like that? And yet we act as though anything less than perfect motherhood isn’t acceptable. Much like the choice to breastfeed or have a natural delivery or any other hot-button issue that Mommies get nasty about, its all about providing the best for your children. But sometimes, I think Mommies need to just cut themselves some slack.

But the old adage holds true, easier said than done…and I worry that I won’t be happy once I take the plunge.

What do you think?

By Kelly, Guest Writer, the miller mix

When I was growing up, one of the best parts of summer was summer camp. I’d anticipate my week (sometimes two) for months in advance, mark down the days on my calendar, and get heady with excitement when it came time to shop for the supplies list. But my son is a different kid than I was.

Where I was buzzing with excitement at just the prospect of camp, my son is wracked with anxiety. Where I talked non-stop and flitted from one packing project to another, my son has emotional meltdowns and physical tantrums that increase in intensity and duration as camp gets closer.

My son has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). While most people think of children with ADHD as extremely active and highly distracted (which he totally is), this disorder affects more than how a child behaves — it also affects how he processes and reacts to stressful situations. And, for my son, leaving the comfort and security of home is highly stressful.

I am not a mean parent who forces her child to go somewhere he doesn’t want to go. Quite the contrary, actually. My son loves being at camp. Last year, when he got off the bus after his week away, his first words were, “When can I go back?” He wrote a letter that said simply, “You were right, Mom. This is fun! Gotta go. I’m playing spoons with my friends!”

It’s not being at camp that’s the problem. It’s the packing, the leaving, the uncertainty of where he’ll sit on the bus and who will be in his cabin. It’s the worry that he won’t have some crucial item he needs (this year, all 55 of his silly bandz) or that he’s forgotten something. It’s the crushing anxiety that something will go wrong, that things will change for the worse, that nothing will be the same when he returns. It’s the hard-wired inability to process these emotions and stop worrying.

So in the face of this days-long trauma that I see him undergo even when he’s just attending a day camp, we’ve developed an arsenal of skills that help ease his worries. These strategies are extremely helpful for children with disorders like my son’s, but they’re also useful for that first-time camper or the one who is sleeping away for the first time. Give them a shot and let me know how it goes.

1. Involve him in the process. There are many camp opportunities. In my rural area, we have more than 20 to choose from — from one-day camps to weeks away from home. As a novice camper mom, I used to schedule him for as many as we could afford. Big mistake. Now, I sit down with him and ask him which he thinks are interesting.

I don’t ask him which he’d enjoy because he’d tell me none. He likes to be here with the family and he’s anxious of change, so I don’t fall into that trap. Picking out what he thinks is interesting shows me where he’d go if he were a kid who’d admit that kind of thing. Then I choose one per month. That’s all. Three camps out of 20. As he gets older, maybe we’ll move to four — maybe not.

2. Remind him how much fun camp is. Often, children focus on what may be rather than what is. If they start to venture down the “no one’s going to like me” path, steer them toward more positive talk. Bring up their favorite memories to help them focus on what they know rather than what they don’t.

For instance, starting a few weeks before camp, I start reminding my son about all the fun things he did last year at camp. “Tell me again about the archery course,” I’ll prompt, knowing that he excelled at archery. Or, “don’t you hope they play the Cha Cha Slide at the dance?” I’ll say with a smile, knowing that’s his favorite song to dance to.

3. Be gentle with his time. Many parents have the tendency to overschedule their children. I’ve found that children respond to transition and stress better when they have the time and space to think and feel. That means no swimming lessons or long days of errand running or friends spending the night.

Quiet days. Quiet, introspective activities that allow your child to stay calm, which allows his brain to work. For us, it’s days of drawing, taking hikes, watching birds. For you, it might be swimming at dusk, a family bike ride, or puzzles. The point is to not add more stress onto your already-stressed-out child. If you can’t do it all day, carve out some time each evening.

4. Prepare for the worst. Sounds like I’ve been spending too much time with my son, but this really works for me. I expect my son to have major meltdowns, to throw things, to storm away, to refuse to get in the car. Because I expect it, I’m prepared with the tools I’ll need most: patience and compassion. When his face goes dark, I take a deep breath. The storm may pass, and it may not, but I’m prepared because I expected it.

I’ve given up on seeing my kid off to camp with a big smile on his face. I’ve given up on the dream that he’ll want to help shop for supplies or tell others how cool it is that he gets to go. I’ve given up on the anger or frustration that I’ve done all of this work for him to have a cool summer experience. Those are things that are about me — not him. And I laid them down a long time ago.

Here’s what I’ve gotten in return: A much smoother send off process. A kid who loves every minute of camp once he realizes the world won’t end while he’s gone. A camper who returns to me with the biggest smile on his face, days’ worth of great summer camp memories, and a crumpled piece of paper with new friends’ names and addresses. Oh, and a boy who plays a mean game of spoons.

Believe me. It’s so worth it.

By Jenny, Guest Writer, Happenings of a Little Bubba (@bubsymomma)

I don’t know about you but I tried to maintain a level of fitness throughout my pregnancy with my son.  As a fitness professional, I had to.  I even taught Pilates and Kick Boxing tell my 9th month of pregnancy.  I think it is key to continue to exercising so that when it is time to get back into shape after baby, you can do it a whole lot easier!

Exercising in the postpartum period is a way to help you get back into shape and stay healthy for your baby and yourself. Many of us moms want to know when we can start exercising after giving birth. The general advice from most physicians and midwives is to wait 6-8 weeks before really getting into a fitness routine.

I have to agree with this rule of thumb.  I remember when I started getting back into Pilates after my son it was about 5 weeks out.  I did a move that required a lot of abdominal strength and was disappointed when I wasn’t able to do it and that it felt kind of weird.  By weird I mean my uterus was still shrinking and I should have WAITED.

You may be asked to wait longer or hold back a bit if you have had a cesarean section or an operative vaginal delivery (with forceps or vacuum extraction). Your doctor or midwife can give you specifics on your personal time line for exercise. Ideally, this bar on strenuous fitness will not hamper your efforts to move.

Movement is perfect and should begin within hours after you give birth, even if you required surgery. We know that moms who move after birth do tend to heal more quickly and feel better sooner than their less active counterparts. This doesn’t mean jog around the block, but it does mean getting up and moving around your hospital room or in your home. Even after surgery or after an epidural, you can begin to walk with assistance in just a few hours. Though the first few attempts may be painful – overall, the movement is good.

I do not recommend a fitness routine, but a daily brief walk after the first week or two is perfect. Watch for over doing it, which as I told you above, I did.  If you were exercising prior to pregnancy, you may feel more of a need to get out and get going. On a limited basis, some doctors will give you the go ahead. You might be asked to do modified yoga versus aerobics, but stretching and gentle movements are fine.

Just remember that your body is still adjusting to its non-pregnant state. You will have your center of balance shifting again, the hormones of pregnancy will continue to make your joints a bit softer and then you have just the feeling of exhaustion that can accompany any birth.

Here are some rules that I followed and recommend that you follow post baby….
•    Wait until you’re given the go ahead
•    Start with small bits of exercise
•    Slowly work your way back into a fitness routine
•    Stop exercising if you have pain, increased bleeding or you just don’t feel comfortable
•    Think slow and gentle at first

Jenny/Certified Personal Trainer and Mommy Blogger

by Brook , Contributor, babyandsofia (@babyandsofia)

When I was pregnant, I had big ideas and big plans on mothering.  I read every baby book out there; I wanted to be informed and prepared. My baby was going to be on a strict feeding schedule from day one. I was not going to introduce any solids (including rice cereal) until exactly six months of age. He was going to sleep in his crib every night.  And be on a perfect sleep/nap schedule.  You get the idea.

Predictably, my plan did not exactly work out.

I was able to keep some semblance of a feeding schedule. But only because Paolo was an excellent nurser from the moment he was born.  (I was very lucky, I know.)

When he was about four and a half months old and waking up to eat a lot every night, the pediatrician told me that Paolo was hungry, and I should probably start giving him some rice cereal as “desert.”  I couldn’t believe it, I mean, everyone-including the AAP, says to wait until the baby is six months old.  Aghast, I waited about two weeks, until exhaustion beat my stubborn streak causing me to break down and feed him the cereal. He loved it, of course. And I got a little more sleep every night.

And as for sleeping in the crib every night: HA! Against ALL ADVICE, I would bring Paolo into bed with me on the nights he woke for a 3am feeding.  I mean, this way he can nurse and we can both sleep. Call me crazy, but I thought it was glorious.  And eight months later, I still do.

One thing that I have never worked out is regular a nap schedule. The best I have ever been able to do recognize when my baby is growing sleepy and start my naptime routine.  Which basically includes a diaper change and a nursing session.  He usually goes down two times per day, but sometimes one and sometimes three.

I have never been able to just put him down and wait for him to fall asleep when he was not ready for a nap.  Mostly because I have never, ever let Paolo “cry it out.”  I know this is a hot topic for parents everywhere, but I simply cannot let my baby cry.  Lucky for me, Paolo is a very happy baby and rarely cries.  But, this method does not lend itself to a regular nap schedule.

As a stay at home mom with only one child, I can afford to have unscheduled naptime.  I don’t have any chores that need to be done at a certain time everyday and I don’t have any other children that need my attention. At least not yet. And my baby is a happy, rested, flexible child.  He doesn’t have to be in his bed to fall asleep.  Any crib, bed, car seat, or stroller works just fine for his naptime.  I love that I am not a slave to his sleep schedule.

So genre of naptime is best? Scheduled or unsche duled?

Despite what I had always imagined, I think that unscheduled naptime is the best. I am happy and so is my baby. We will have to see how I feel when I have more than one little guy to manage, but for now, this works just fine.

What works best for you? Any nap tips to share?

(picture source)

By Michaela, Contributor, Mama Michie’s Musings (@MamaMichie)

As a child I dreamt of being a ballerina when I grew up… later on I wanted to become a pediatrician. When it came time to go to college I studied German, with the intent on getting some sort of business degree… then I moved to Germany after my first semester.

While in Germany I went to school and got what the Germans call an Ausbildung… I became an Industriekauffrau (an industrial clerk)… had a desk job… it was okay, but it wasn’t great. I had to opportunity to manage my (then) boyfriend’s mother’s house wares boutique. That was fun and just when I thought I was starting to get somewhere and bring in more business, we broke up and I moved back to the states. I went to work at a retail store with the hope of working my way into management.

That never happened. We moved and I moved to another retail job… and then I took the job that brought me to tears on many days and nearly gave me an ulcer… I worked in a call center for a major credit card company (I’m sure most of you have one of their many, many cards in your wallet). I hated that job. HATED it… but it actually didn’t pay too bad, so I stuck with it longer than I thought I would.

When Noah was born though, I started my most demanding job yet… the job of being a mother… it doesn’t have a Monday through Friday work week and you’re on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. The pay is crap and you don’t always get recognized for the work and effort you put into doing your job, but it’s the best job I’ve ever had.

I’m going back to school to finish my degree over here, since the schooling I got in Germany doesn’t amount to much over here. I still have to decide if I want to end up with and Early Childhood Education Teaching degree or a degree in Digital Media.  There’s also a part of me that would like to start making soap and have that become my full time work from home job. *sigh*

I think it’s a little sad that I am 32 years old and still have no clue as to what I want my career to be when I “grow up”… I’m happy to say though that I’m already the one thing I  have wanted to be more than anything else… I’m a mother and as far as I’m concerned that’s the best job I’ll ever have!