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Dating and the Married Mom
June 29th, 2010 | 
Author: By My Baby Sweetness, Guest Writer
I admitted this on my blog and now I’ll admit it here too. It’s true – I’ve started dating. And my husband… he knows… Now I could go down the path of saying he’s ok with it because I’m dating women now, but I won’t (that didn’t count!). I’m dating moms now – I’m play dating.
And let me say – I think it’s worse than the first time around… Although there are so many parallels. I started out play dating the way I dated – just thinking that I could hang out and let “mother nature” take her course. But after a period I realized – I’m actually supposed to be an active participant in this process! Who knew?
So I tried to the bar type pickups – only there are a new “singles” bars for the play dateless Mom – they’re the crying room at church, the park, the play area at the mall (brace yourself for that one! It’s sort of like going to a theme bar…), the library or Chick-Fil-A (like the martini bar of this era of my life… apparently).
I tried the “8 minute” dating options – established Moms playgroups through church or that I heard about from friends.
I tried online dating – looking for Moms meetup groups, area playgroups, well anything!
And the truth is – this is not as easy as it looks. When I was not a Mom, probably even when I was pregnant, I would see Moms together with their kids at the park and I figured everyone was totally open and welcoming and that the park was a great big meet and greet. Now that I’m bringing my 15 month old there, I find that there’s a big range, but most people pretty much want to hang out with the people they came with (my husband tells me it’s much worse when he brings her and is the only Dad there – they really shy away from him). I saw one woman at the park with her son who played “near” my daughter for quite awhile (they’re babies – they don’t play together per se). A day or two later I happened to run into her at a Moms group and mentioned – oh, hey, we sort of met before! You were at the park, right? The look on her face said, oh my God, stalker lady!
The truth is I’m finding so many of the same types of mismatches I found in dating. Like when I was in my early 20’s and talking to a guy at the bar who suddenly realized I was 10 years younger than him and he fled. Or around that same age when a friend set me up with a guy she was sure wasn’t much older than me who turned out to be 40 (and not a well kept 40 either. I was a young looking 23 and he looked closer to 50. We were both fairly skeeved.) But now instead, I’ll meet a Mom and we’ll get along until we realize her kids are all in school and my daughter is only 15 months – so much for that play date.
There have been a few decent matches and I’ve STARTED to make friends, but it is not an easy road. Among other things, Moms groups are incredibly hard to break into. I’m not sure if the Moms with older kids just feel like the other moms with kids the same age are a better match up for their kids; are more likely to understand where they are; or they’ve known them forever and are established friends. But the truth is – it starts to feel really cliquey!
But, in my time in the trenches of my new dating status, I have found a few good places to look:
- the library
- the park
- kids classes – the free ones are my favorite… usually at the library!
- Moms groups – through meetup, yahoo groups, the community
- the crying room at church
I am definitely still struggling (and appreciate any other thoughts/suggestions), but I’ve found through my wonderful blogging community that – thank God! – I am not the only one. I am not just repellant! This is actually some hard work!
Please comment with any of your suggestions or mommy dating war stories!
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I’ve had the same issues. I’ve started talking to EVERYONE I see with a toddler to try to make friends. I’m afraid I may come off as a little stalkerish, but what the hell? Got to meet people somehow!
Beth´s last blog ..The Great 2010 Peanut Butter Off Round One
Stalkerish? My husband was in the HOA office, saw a woman with a daughter about the same age and pounced! He walked out with her to walk her over to the car where the monkey and I were waiting. I’m sure she had her phone out for a call she was going to make anyway… to 911… Just to say hi…
My Baby Sweetness´s last blog ..Monday Minute- 07-19-2010 Survivor Style
This is so true!
I feel very lucky to finally have found a good group of mom friends. It took a while but we now have a standing play date every Monday morning.
Kristin @ Ellie-Town´s last blog ..Proud to be a Theta Mom
I’ve had the same issues. I’ve started talking to EVERYONE I see with a toddler to try to make friends. I’m afraid I may come off as a little stalkerish, but what the hell? Got to meet people somehow!
Play dating for some reason, are not as easy here in Southern parts of the world than it is in other parts of the world. The mothers here are for some reason either to busy to participate in play dating appointments or are too high society to this type of thing.
I’ve tried it numerous times and the above is what I’ve experienced.
blackhuff´s last blog ..We choose to act upon them
I can so relate to this post! I took my son to the swimming pool a few weeks ago and there were so many “groups” of moms that were there together but all were so cliquey. I will be interested to see what other suggestions you get.
Katie@SassySillySpunkyMomma´s last blog ..This Explains it All
Mostly I’ve heard try the library, look for groups on line, take classes and just put yourself out there.
We actually went to a class at the library on Friday and I saw 2 different moms I’d met at other groups. Then when the monkey made a break for the hallway, I saw another Mom I knew there. I told my husband – 3 Moms I know by name! I’m almost part of the crowd – I can totally start excluding the other new Moms joining any day now!
My Baby Sweetness´s last blog ..Monday Minute- 07-19-2010 Survivor Style
Oh, I can SO relate to this! When my son was born (he’s 16 now) I was desperate for friends and someone to chat with, someone else who was wearing spit-up and hadn’t had a decent night’s sleep in weeks. Through much trial and error, at many of the same venues that you have tried, I did find several good ones. BUT I found that even if I clicked with the mom, sometimes the kids didn’t click at all! With some, I just decided that the kids would have to be able to get along for a short time because I loved the mom’s friendship! Several of those friends are still good friends, even through several moves.
I do find that it’s even harder to establish new mom friendships now that both of mine are older. We don’t see each other at school like when they were in elementary school, sporting events are on a whole new level, and people just seem in general to be too busy or something to seek new friendships.
Good luck! I loved your post, it really rang true with me!
Sherri´s last blog ..Summer Daze
I can relate to your story. It is hard to meet Moms. I would offer this, I joined a MOMS club, it is an international club so their are clubs all over the US.
Goto http://www.momsclub.com/links.html See if they have one in your area. It is a great way to meet moms and I have met a lot of friendly moms.
Sometimes I think us moms just get distracted with our own kids while at the library or park or we already know a mom there so we don’t reach out. Not realizing how badly another mom needs us to reach out.
Hang in there:)
Heather @ One Take On Life´s last blog ..Loving the Little Things-
You’re right on the reaching out and distracted. I was at a party this weekend where I really didn’t know anyone (it was a going away party for a friend of mine, so I knew her family, but really none of the others). In a way, the monkey gave me “something to talk about” with some of the other families, but truthfully she’s at an age where she REALLY needs me to helicopter, so I was totally antisocial…
My Baby Sweetness´s last blog ..Monday Minute- 07-19-2010 Survivor Style
Great post, I have bad news and good news:
The bad: It stays hard. I have a built in group of friends from church, but you will still be excluded if your kids aren’t the same age as theirs when they decide to have an outing. You have to initiate, initiate, and initiate again.
The Good: Once your kiddos are school age (if they aren’t home-schooled), it’s easier to find moms to try to befriend, because your kids are with the same kids every day of the week, so eventually you will start talking to the other moms waiting for school to get out.
AJ Collins´s last blog ..Shutter Love Tuesday