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Disillusions and the First-Time Mom
June 8th, 2010 | 
Author: By Tonya, Guest Writer, Letters for Lucas
My son is turning one in a few days and that just seems crazy! Where did this year go? 365 days… poof, gone! Most days felt like an absolute eternity, while others simply flashed right before my eyes.
I think I’m still in complete denial that I’m someone’s mommy, that I even have a son; and honestly, I can’t believe I made it this far.
My son, Lucas is amazing and I love him more than words can say. He is the best thing I have ever done and he has changed my world in so many positive ways. He is growing and flourishing in ways that are beyond awesome to witness and he truly is a blessing, on the other hand, I am feeling lost in my attempt to figure out what it means to be “Mommy”.
I know I don’t have to tell you, because you are all smart women and undoubtedly have WAY more mommy experience than I do, but THIS IS TOUGH.
Way tougher than I ever thought.
Being a stay at home mom is hard work, and I’m not just talking about the physical labor part (making bottles, changing diapers, doing mounds of laundry, etc.), I’m referring to the emotional part, which for me has been the most challenging thing I have ever had to confront in my life. It scares me to death to think that I am only one year into it.
I feel like I lost everything when I had a baby; my independence, my freedom, my humility, my personal time and space, hours upon hours of sleep and some days, even my sanity. In just one short year, motherhood has already pushed me further than I ever thought I could go physically or mentally.
Perhaps I’m a selfish person, perhaps, I wasn’t quite mentally prepared to have a child. I thought I was, but there is A LOT that people don’t tell you about becoming a mother…
First and foremost, being a mom really sucks the life out of you. It’s exhausting and, again I’m not referring to the work part of the role, but the being “on” ALL THE TIME and if for one moment you’re not, the tremendous guilt that you feel. By the way, what is it with all the guilt?
Secondly, I didn’t know that my relationships would suffer once I became a mother, particularly the one with my son’s father. We are a great team and have somehow muddled through this first year together, but marriage definitely changes once you have a baby. It really is a wonder to me that siblings are even born because that little life sucker uses everything in his power to keep his dad and I apart day and night.
Whenever we happen to have any free time together (thank goodness for babysitters and family members), I want it all to myself, even though I know that I should be spending it getting reacquainted with my husband. After all, he helped me make this beautiful baby and I love him for it, but days go by and sometimes our only conversations are about our son; the latest cutest thing he’s done, his food intake, poop outtake or further insight into his needs and how we are or aren’t meeting them. I know with time, we will find our way. I should note that since we’ve had Lucas, we have had some of the best date nights.
The greatest part about motherhood is that I also feel like I gained everything when I had a baby. I have so much more self-confidence, patience and strength I never knew I possessed, love in my life and pride in my soul. I love being Lucas’ mother and I’m very excited about what lies ahead and where my mommy journey will take me.
After a year in, I know now that a lot of this first time mommy stuff really can’t be shared with you before you have a child, you have to learn on your own, right smack dap in the line of fire. Here’s to us, surviving our first year and a very happy first birthday, Lucas!
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It all gets easier…or should I say, you just kinda get used to it! LOL Happy Birthday to Lucas! One thing that really helped us is to find a local playgroup or mommy group that gets together once a week. You and Lucas will both make some great friends, and having other mommies to talk to about all the baby stuff will help you keep your sanity and will keep it out of the way of you and your husband. I find that by now, we usually update daddy at dinner and then once the kids go to bed it is grown up talk again!
Tutus and Tantrumns´s last blog ..PCS time! Let the countdown begin!!!
It’s funny you are posting this today, as my son is 27 months tomorrow, and I’ve been thinking about this. I’m a working mom, but I feel a lot of the feelings of loss you talk about in your post. Most especially the one about your spouse. My husband & I have actually started making an effort to spend time together, and while I’ve taken a vacation with just my husband and two with just my son, this month we will take our first as a family. I’m nervous & excited all at once. I feel like this is the point where you figure out how that sibling joins the party. How you can go from managing 2 lives to 3.
Happy Birthday to Lucas & Congrats Mommy for making it through the first year…
Ali´s last blog ..Opening Day 2010
This post totally made my entire day. Maybe even my entire week. I’m only 12 weeks into this whole motherhood thing, but dang, I could have written it, but probably not quite so eloquently.
Being a full time mom is a job and you should schedule a few hours to yourself every week. Sign up for a class, take a walk, or just take your laptop to a coffee shop and blog without distractions for a few hours on an evening or weekend while your husband is home. He can spend a few quality hours with Lucas alone and you can have some Tonya time. Then when you have a sitter you can be together and concentrate on each other. Being a parent is tough, but it is obvious you’re a great mom.
The one thing that keeps me sane is that I like to run in the mornings by myself and if I don’t get that 40-60 minutes of time to clear my head, I am one cranky mama for the rest of the day.
This is a perfect depiction of the dichotomy of motherhood. It’s all and nothing at once. Everything is everything and nothing at once. Wanting it to speed up while wanting it to slow down. It’s the biggest paradox there is.
KLZ´s last blog ..A Riddle Answered
FINALLY someone who is honest about motherhood!! This is basically the whole reason I started a blog. I think that most women feel this way after having a child but are too afraid of being judged to admit it. If we were all more honest, then I think there would be a lot less uncontrollable crying sessions!
A baby definitely changes your marriage too. My son is 4, and mine still isn’t the same. I think that a baby either pulls you together, or turns you into 2 different people and pulls you apart. Slowly you start coming together again, but it still is never the same!
you said it all!! we love our kids so much but when we just want 5 minutes ot go to the bathroom and we kick our kids out and they start crying, we feel guilty. amazing, isn’t it? you pin pointed everything! great post
julia´s last blog ..Saturday Steals & Finds
Yes, being a mom is hard, exhausting work, and a lot of the time it’s NOT fun! Thanks for being so honest about it, and not being able to speak the truth. Whether or not other moms will admit it, I think we’ve all felt this way before at least once…and some of us once a week, day, hour!!
Natalie´s last blog ..Blogging’s Taking Over My Life!
I meant not being AFRAID to speak the truth
Natalie´s last blog ..Blogging’s Taking Over My Life!
Yes! It is all of that. Yes. I especially love the part where you talk about what has been GAINED with becoming a mom. Couldn’t agree more. Gained: kisses, hugs, I love you’s, art work, little smiles from the back seat. All of these things that I would not otherwise get had not become a mom. Thanks for the reminder.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the positive feedback. I was a little afraid of being to honest. Most of the mothers I know only like to talk about the good stuff, but there are two sides to motherhood. I am relieved that I am not alone.
I love our mommy blogging community… you and all of your amazing accounts of this mommy journey are so helpful and I follow each and every one of your blogs. Thank you for sharing your life, children, loves and frustrations with us all!
Tonya
xoxo
Letters For Lucas
Tonya´s last blog ..My First Guest Post
Everything you wrote is so true! I thought I was prepared but I knew NOTHING. And no one told me I knew nothing. Not that I would have listened, but still it would have been nice.
Something along the lines of “You can read every book you can get your hands on but you are getting a person that you’ve never met dropped in your lap and YOU need to figure it out. Because there hasn’t been a book written about YOUR baby.”
But I was perfectly happy living in denial and then I got my a$$ handed to me by Motherhood.
I survived and now even have two. It’s hard to find a balance but you just keep trying!
Kristin @ Ellie-Town´s last blog ..Madeline ~ Monthsie 9
I forgot to add, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LUCAS!
Kristin @ Ellie-Town´s last blog ..Madeline ~ Monthsie 9
Amen, sister. Mine is 14 months old, and while I love her to death (and sometimes even toss around the idea of having another one), sometimes I just don’t know how I’m going to make it through the week, never mind the next 18 years…
Here’s to you for making it through!
amber´s last blog ..Hey, It’s Okay…
I’m only 3 months into motherhood but I related to this post so much and I appreciate your honesty. I think society portrays motherhood as either sunshine and rainbows or constantly tearing your hair out while dressed in sweats and a ponytail. Motherhood is neither and both. It’s refreshing to read someone admitting that it is both wonderful and unyielding. Thank you.