The Ten Commandments
April 28th, 2010 | 
Author: By Stephanie
I like to make all my readers feel comfortable. Which is why I’d like to talk to you about Jesus.
Alright. Not really. But in the spirit of the Savior, I have decided to try my hand at writing some commandments of my own. I know I won’t do as well as the original, and they’re being typed on a computer screen, not engraved on stone tablets, but I think society would only benefit if they were posted in every gym in the United States. Because, seriously, people. We’ve lost touch with what’s appropriate vis-a-vis the rowing machine. Mr. Fatty McButter Pants in the bright yellow spandex hot pants? I’m looking at you.
And so, my lovely ladies, while I’m sure none of you are guilty of these infractions, ahem, perhaps you can present them to the powers that be in your local gym. In this way we can effect some change.
THE TEN NINE COMMANDMENTS OF GYM MEMBERSHIP
Commandment I
If thou seeist a neighbor on the treadmill, and there is more than one treadmill available for thy use, thou shalt never choose the treadmill right next to thy neighbor.
Commandment II
If thou is not a 105 pound twenty something, thou shalt never, under any circumstance, wear spandex or short shorts.
Commandment III
If thou refuses to wipe thy body soil from the machines when finished exercising, thou accepts full responsibility for a well deserved throat punch and waives any right to complaint about said throat punch.
Commandment IV
Thou shalt never ever lift one leg in the public shower and proceed to shave parts of thy person which never see the light of day. Ever.
Commandment V
Thou shalt recognize there is not enough Lysol on Planet Earth to justify sitting down on the wooden benches in front of the lockers without your drawers.
Commandment VI
Thou shalt exert every effort not to make constipation faces whilst thy is weight lifting. Thou shalt realize how disturbing such a thing is, and shalt make every effort to spare thy neighbors such a sight.
Commandment VII Remembering the spirit of Commandment VI, thou shalt also refrain from making inappropriate noises whilst weight training. Because, ew.
Commandment VIII
Thou shalt not leave your wet, dirty, stinky towels on the floor. Seriously. That’s just rude. And unsanitary.
Commandment IX
Thou shalt refrain from talking to me for any reason. In the gym, I am not thy friend, but thine enemy. There is nothing we have to speak about whilst both of us are red faced and panting.
I mean really, they’re just common sense, people. And if people actually started following them, I might get this oversized hind end back into a gym so I can work a little bit on shrinking it.
What are your rules to live by at the gym?
Stephanie is a stay at home mom to Joshua and Ella. She writes daily at Mama Still Wears Gucci,where she discusses everything from a radical obsession with vacuuming the draperies to vying (peacefully of course) for total world domination.
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Ew, ew, ew on so many of those. Though I have to say, I’m lucky enough to workout in my house, rather than a gym. Sometimes it’s really hard not to make noise when you’re struggling to get one last rep in. I’m sure the neighbors LOVE our evening workout sessions
The only one of those I relate to (because I go to curves, where no one ever gets naked, you all take nice turns on the equipment, and there are no showers) is the no talking one. Because I am there to work out, not make friends and invite you over for tea. I think I must look alot nicer than I really am.
Ew Gross!!! What are people thinking? I think every gym should have these posted and make everyone sign a contract to follow them when they join!
oh amen to these! here is another one-no one, i mean NO ONE wants to see you w/o your shirt on sir. im sure it has taken alot of work but we still dont care. want to go with out a shirt-hit the beach!
wow that was funny. the shaving thing is too much though. people who shave in pubic places in public places make me want to barf.
so funny! i was just thinking about these kinds of things yesterday when I was at the gym!! great stuff Stephanie!
How about “Thou shalt not laugh hysterically at the television on your treadmill b/c no one around you can hear what is being said & you just come across as a maniac!”
or
“Thou shalt not skulk around and follow me from machine to machine trying to talk to me, creepy weird guy who always has his outdoor coat on.”
I just hate the gym and if everyone were perfect and followed all these rules….I still wouldn’t want to go.
Great post!
Oh gag and gross! I KNEW I had a good reason for avoiding the gym- now I have nine!!
I love this so much…how about thou shalt wear an appropriately fitting/supportive sports bra…some of the ones I’ve seen lately just aren’t working and it’s distracting! I’m afraid someone is going to get hurt!
Why YES, yes I DO have rules:
http://www.mommysnest.com/2009/04/since-last-fall-when-i-finally.html
thou shalt wear a bathing suit in the steam room and hot tub! I have seen nudies in there…and also put on some clothes besides bra and gitch to dry your hair..
oh, and to all those men out there wearing the same sweaty shirt that is 5 yrs old, has yellow arm pits and stinks….buy a new shirt to workout in!
LOL!!! So funny! And so sadly true! I started cracking up right at Mr. Fatty McButter Pants!
This is why I work out at home ala Jillian Michaels on DVD and my Wii Fit!
Those are all great commandments!