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Life With A Newborn
April 27th, 2010 | 
Author: By Julia
Expecting my first child. Excited, nervous, anxious, scared, overwhelmed. But I did what any first time mom would do. Read everything. From “What To Expect” to “Pregnancy Fit” magazine and every website in between. I joined forums and online groups, getting advice, listening to others’ stories and coming up with my own realization of what mommyhood would be like and how to prepare.
(If only I knew…)
I had several recommendations to read a certain book (that gets a bad reputation) that deals greatly with getting your newborn on a schedule and most of all, understanding how a newborn’s body and mind operate. And every person I talked to said it made a world of difference. I started reading it a few weeks before Hannah was born, but didn’t get far.
She was born. I was overwhelmed.
I remember sitting in the rocking chair at midnight one night, in tears, because I couldn’t get her to fall asleep. I, myself, was beyond exhausted and while I handed my wailing newborn over to my husband, I still found myself deeply wanting to hold her and comfort her. Afterall, I was now “Mom” and should somehow have all the baby directions memorized. I wanted to be that mom.
I immediately finished reading that book the next day.
I immediately began utilizing some of the concepts and ideas outlined in the book.
I immediately felt a sense of peace, control and sanity.
While I’m certainly not here to discuss the book, I will tell you some of the things I learned that I believe every parent should know and understand. And by doing so, just might save your sanity.
One of the biggest things that helped me understand my newborn was knowing their bodies ability to stay awake (or lack thereof). A newborn can usually only stay awake for 20-30 minutes. Knowing this helped me understand that when she was awake for an hour or (heaven forbid) two, I knew she was tired. I could snuggle, rock, lay her down and know that sleep was what she needed. As she got older, her wake time would slowly increase. By 3 months, it was 45-60 minutes and by 6 months it was 90-120 minutes.
To go along with understanding her wake time, I had to understand her sleep needs. We all know newborns sleep. A lot. But did you realize that they sleep in cycles of (typically) 45 minutes? When an infant wakes up after 45 minutes of napping, that doesn’t necessarily mean they are done sleeping. Many times the baby will cry, making the parent think that she’s had enough rest. And while you can attend to your baby when they cry, I found that trying to get them back to sleep was really important. Most infants need 2-3 hours of sleep at a time. And by rocking, snuggling or letting her fuss herself back to sleep you can “train” her to get back to sleep on her own when she does wake up at 45 minutes.
The other aspect to a new baby is the feedings. Oh, the feedings. Now, I’m gonna lay this out there… I was not a feed-on-demand parent. Everytime my newborn cried, whimpered, fussed or cooed, I did not nurse her. If I had just fed her at noon, put her down for a nap and she is up crying at 12:45, I did not feed her. An infant’s stomach is only the size of a marble. A marble. How in the world could I put more in there? And with many babies already having gastrointestinal issues (my daughter had lots of gas), I wasn’t about to upset it anymore with more milk. I typically kept an eye on the clock for a 3 hour feeding schedule. If after 2 hours, she was awake, fussing and her cues were pointing to hunger, then yes, I would absolutely feed her. I think many parents (especially people who criticize this book) think that we (I) are depriving our child of milk solely for the sake of schedule. And of course, that is absolutely not true.
When you put everything together and understand wake times, sleep times and feedings, it creates a natural “schedule”. One that saved my sanity, allowed me to keep track of my newborn’s activities and also helped me better plan my days. Most newborns typically fall in a 3-hour schedule. Nursing for 20 minutes, staying awake for another 20 minutes, then sleeping for approximately 2 hours. As they get older, the wake time extends, but the sleep time stays relatively the same. How does that happen? Well, around 4-6 months babies can typically go longer between feedings. So by that point, they are now nursing, staying awake for 60 minutes, then napping for 2.5 hours. That equals a 4 hour cycle.
As we all know, some days are bad and some days are good. In fact, I was just talking a friend the other night about her 8 week old and how her little girl naps well for 3 days in a row, then has 1 bad day of poor naps.
It’s ok. It’s ok if you have to feed your baby before the 3 hour cycle. It’s ok if your baby wakes up early. It’s ok if you have to wake her up to go to a doctor appointment. It’s OK.
But having a general schedule really helped me understand my babies needs. So when she wasn’t napping well, I didn’t freak out, nursing her every 30 minutes wondering if she was hungry. It allowed me to rest while she rested, get stuff done around the house and enjoy her time awake.
What were your coping strategies when your children were babies?
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Coping strategies? Ha ha ha! I had none of those.
If the boys were crying and upset, I used to sing:
“It’s the end of the world as we know it…..and I feel FINE!”
I don’t know if that song was more for them or me.
I was (and AM!) horrible about schedules (so I really want to know what “that book” is now!). What did help me was talking to other parents who’d been up all night with a baby who just didn’t want to sleep when she was put down and who’d nursed their newborn for HOURS on end without any rest. They told me that it takes 2-3 weeks for your milk to come in, so you just have to get through that first (horrific!) 2-3 weeks and then it will get better. And it did.
babywise saved my life. and realizing that my 1st had colic and there wasnt a thing i could do about it saved his. after dealing with crying from 5-8pm every. night. helped me understand why people who arent baby-educated would shake their newborn. not that i did, but it is the worse. and of course i still blame myself. and he is 9.
We are on far sides of the spectrum, you and I, and I am almost reluctant to even write my “strategies.”
I attachment parented my last two, meaning that I nursed when baby was hungry/thirsty/tired/hurt, regardless of how long (or short) a period had elapsed since nursing. The premise that I believe in is that it was/is my job to arrange my life to accomodate my baby, not their job to accomodate my life. It worked for us, very well. And no, my children are not and never have been “overfed,” whiny, spoiled, or any of the things people accuse parents like us of doing. In fact, my experience has been the opposite; since my children knew early on that I was there to comfort, hold, nurse, whatever they needed, they were able to learn security at an early age. There was such a huge difference between my first two and my last two in terms of feeling emotionally secure, how self-confident they were, etc…that I believe that doing the “you need to be on a schedule so it is convenient for ME” was the worst thing I could have done for them.
However, for me personally, I don’t care what anyone else does. Whatever it takes to get you through the day (and nights) while trying to balance every other aspect of your life. The only thing I am adamantly opposed to is the whole Ferber method of parenting, because I think it is cruel and heartless. But we are all so different-parents and kids alike-that we each have to figure out what workds best for US and stick to it no matter what anyone else says.
babywise saved my life. and realizing that my 1st had colic and there wasnt a thing i could do about it saved his. after dealing with crying from 5-8pm every. night. helped me understand why people who arent baby-educated would shake their newborn. not that i did, but it is the worse. and of course i still blame myself. and he is 9.
I did almost everything exactly the opposite of the way you did
But you know what is so wonderful about that? Our kiddos will all turn out just fine. And what a boring world it would be if we all did things the same way! My husband and I were raised very differently and remain almost complete opposites in many ways, but we complement each other so well that it just works.
I tried to read that book after nursing my son on demand for the first 2 weeks to try and help him take a longer nap. I let him cry for 3 minutes and was so upset by it that I picked him up and cried right along with him. That book made me feel like I was doing every single thing wrong. I went back to what felt right and it worked…for us anyway!
I think we used the same book! I referred to it over and over for my second and third child as well and I still sometimes use it today. It worked wonders for us and I always buy it for my friends that are expecting their first child!
those of you that know “the book” know what i’m talking about.
Kori, I don’t know much about the Ferber method… will have to check that out. I don’t think I put the baby on my schedule, rather than it just helped me understand why she might be crying at that time. (hunger vs. tired vs. bored)
Anna, I love how your comment was so nice and sweet, even though we did things differently!!!
it’s so crazy how kids and parents respond differently!! we did what worked for us and it sounds like everyone else here did too!! Love all the comments!!
I wish I knew the name of that book…I read many, but the one that helped me the most was the Baby Whisperer.
I had twins, so I tried getting them on a schedule from day one…they never slept in our room or in a bouncer…always in their cribs. Best decision to date.
If only I knew that I wasn’t producing enough breastmilk and effectively starving my babies, things would have been perfect! Ha…they’re fine now though…trust me!
A newborn can usually only stay awake for 20-30 minutes. Knowing this helped me understand that when she was awake for an hour or (heaven forbid) two, I knew she was tired.
those of you that know “the book” know what i’m talking about.
Kori, I don’t know much about the Ferber method… will have to check that out. I don’t think I put the baby on my schedule, rather than it just helped me understand why she might be crying at that time. (hunger vs. tired vs. bored)
Anna, I love how your comment was so nice and sweet, even though we did things differently!!!
it’s so crazy how kids and parents respond differently!! we did what worked for us and it sounds like everyone else here did too!! Love all the comments!!
I wish I knew the name of that book…I read many, but the one that helped me the most was the Baby Whisperer.
I had twins, so I tried getting them on a schedule from day one…they never slept in our room or in a bouncer…always in their cribs. Best decision to date.
If only I knew that I wasn’t producing enough breastmilk and effectively starving my babies, things would have been perfect! Ha…they’re fine now though…trust me!
Like I said, whatever works; I hope you didn’t think I was criticizing, because we all have SO different parenting styles and, yes, needs that I can’t say what is right for YOU, only for ME.
Here is a quote to give you an idea of what the Ferber Method is:
“It is also one of the most controversial, primarily because the method involves a degree of “crying it out.” In a series of training sessions, parents leave their children alone for strictly-timed intervals, ignoring their children’s’ protests and cries. When the method works, kids gradually accept that no one will come to their aid, and, as a result, their behavior becomes less disruptive (Reid at al 1999).”
And to me, or rather in my opinion (worth about 2 cents on a good day), that seems cruel-ignoring your child and letting them know as an infant that no one will HELP them? Please!
There. Enough said. Because I could go on an on about THAT one!
Kori, I didn’t take it that way, at all!! No worries.
Great site. A lot of useful information here. I’m sending it to some friends!
I agree. Even though you may feel having abandoned your child or the child may feel abandoned,it is not the actual situation. You are still there and it is just a mere exercise to help your child.