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My Babies’ Daddies
April 13th, 2010 | 
Author: By Toni
In the course of getting to meet people, it is only natural that I get asked basic questions: Are you married? What do you do for a living? Any kids? When I answer that last question, and I say how many children I have had, without a doubt people always want to know more because there are so many. It’s usually at this point, that the conversation turns a little odd.
Since I already know which way it’s going to head, I can brace myself for how to handle it. Since you, dear readers, do not, let me fill you in. See- I was a surrogate.
If you want to be technical, I was what is referred to in the reproductive community as a Gestational Surrogate. Basically, what that means is that I only contributed my womb to the growing of the children, but none of my genetic material. There is also another type of surrogate called a Traditional Surrogate, who uses her own eggs. For the record, all of these procedures are done in doctors offices, with legal contracts in place. That movie “Baby’s Mama”… ugh. Don’t get me started.
Back to my point. People want to know about my children. I tell them about Tommy & my’s two actual kids (our sweet Taeryn and my little monkey, James). Then, I explain to them that my next three are my surrogate children. I gave birth to a set of twin girls in 2005, and the sweetest little boy you have ever known in 2007.
It is at this point in the conversation that people usually have one of several different responses. They either A) say “Oh what an angel you are to have done that for someone! I could have never done that myself”, B) start asking me all sorts of very private, and sometimes down right rude questions, or C) freak out, but try to pretend that they aren’t. They’ll put on an “everything’s cool” face and back away real slow from me.
Here is how I always want to rebuttal: A) I am not an angel. I did not do this to earn my wings. Please don’t put me on a pedestal like that, it makes me uncomfortable. B) Really? Were you not raised to have any better manners than that?, and C) Dude, take a Prozac, and chill. It’s gonna be ok.
Toni At 34 Weeks
I never do, though. Over the years, I have just learned to let people be rude. It never lasts more than a few minutes, and my life can go on. But, if I could share with the world anything about surrogacy at all, it would be the moment that to me most clearly defined in my mind what surrogacy is all about.
I had just delivered the twins via emergency c-section. Their parents hadn’t been able to make it to the delivery in time. Once they finally were able to get to the hospital and meet their daughters they immediately took them from the nursery and brought them straight to my room so I could spend some time with the girls.
I woke up from my foggy, drug-induced haze to see the happiest smiles I have ever seen on two people you could ever imagine. I was allowed to sit with the babies and their parents for a long time that night, and just admire how beautiful and perfect they were. My heart was so full of love.
Still, I had just had surgery, it was late, and I was tired, so I handed the babies back to their parents. Looking over at them and seeing those babies being in the place where they belonged all along; in that moment, my world was at peace. In that moment, my world was so full of love, and pride, and contentment that nothing else mattered. All that I had witnessed in this life, all the pain, the tragedies, the sufferings, the hurt- it melted away in that moment. That was the moment I saw the four of them become a family. My heart swelled and almost exploded out of my chest.
To me, that is what surrogacy is. The making of families. The healing of hearts. It’s a chance to witness a love that is so rare, a gift so precious, that so few people will ever know, it’s like a secret society that I am very privileged to be a part of. I wish more people understood the beauty of it, and didn’t only see the ugly side the media like to hype. For all the negative stories you hear, there are hundreds of stories you don’t.
I know of three miracles, you probably never knew of before just now.
For more information on surrogacy, please visit www.surromomsonline.com.
Would you ever consider surrogacy? Donating your eggs?
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IF I thought I could handle another pregnanacy I would do surrogacy in a heartbeat..
After I got pregnant with my second child I thought about surrogacy. I had recently watched a Dr.Phil show about adoption/surrogacy and cried with joy for the families that were blessed with babies. I thought about how easy it was for me to get pregnant and carry a child and these people cannot. I’ve never followed through with it but thankfully many women like you do. I commend how graciously you can let peoples rude comments slide down your back. Thanks for sharing your story.
How spectacular of you! That is such a beautiful and meaningful gift. I used to work in adoptions of children in state care, and there is no better feeling than making a family, even though in my case it wasn’t nearly the same!
My best friend is gay, and for the longest time, I swore I would be their surrogate when the time came. While the sentiment is still there, now that I have Ava, there’s no way I’d be able to do it. I hated being pregnant, but I loved every second of my time with her before her birth, and felt such an intense connection with her. I wouldn’t be able to let go.
I would do surrogacy in a heartbeat! I loved being pregnant. I had trouble with ovulating, so conceiving was a difficult adventure. But I loved EVERY moment of being pg with both my children!
I loved being pregnant and would of definitely considered surrogacy. The whole idea of helping other experience the joy of having their own children, melts my heart. Alas, my body was not as happy with pregnancy as I was. 3 out of 4 ended in c-sections. The last two c-section lead to healing issues with my body. It’s been pointed out that I should not put my body through anymore
I absolutely loved being pregnant. I was lucky enough to have an easy pregnancy and a somewhat easy delivery. After this amazing experience of becoming a mother I very seriously considered surrogacy. I could suddenly truely empathize with a woman who could not have children, just by having one of my very own. I would love to have 1 more child of my own and then consider surrogacy at that time.
Thank you for sharing a positive story about it! It’s one of those things that may have just stayed in my head if I never really “met” someone who did it.
What a lovely post and insight into a world most of us will never experience in any way.
I would consider surrogacy for someone close to me. In fact, I did consider for my sister when she was having problems having a successful pregnancy. It would b hard to not have that maternal bond with the baby, but I would have been willing to make that sacrifice. It is truly one of the best gifts – the gift of life.
I’m not sure if I could do the egg donation.
Lisa,
The maternal bond that you speak of – that’s a tricky thing. I don’t view (nor ever felt) that I am these children’s mother. I love them as much as my own kids, but I would never want them to be anywhere other than with their own families. It’s a different kind of love. The same as my own kids, but not equal to it, I guess.
Either way, I went into it with the mindset that I wasn’t “giving them up”, but rather returning them to where they belong. I think that made the difference to me with the “bonding”.
I’m a new reader here and first-time commenter, but as someone who has long had an interest in surrogacy, I just had to comment. I loved being pregnant, and I have often said that if someone close to me were unable to have children, I would gladly be a gestational surrogate if that were an option. Many years back, when I had a scare with some female issues, my mom told me that if something happened and I couldn’t have children, she would carry a baby for me. That offer meant more to me than she knows, and I would be honored to give that gift to someone else should the circumstances ever arise.
yes I would do surrogacy. I cannot get pregnant without IVF but I do pregnancy really well, full term, easy pregnancies, even my own twins came out at 6.5 pounds each at 37 weeks!
I had a friend offer surrogacy to me, I thought it was the most giving gesture and now that I’m done, I would do it for another friend…if she wanted
AMAZING what you did
I would absolutely be a surrogate. I have two friends that don’t know if the wife is able to carry a baby, and I would *LOVE* to do that for them. The Husband does not agree though, he thinks it’s too risky. It’s something always in my heart though!
i told my husband that I would be a surrogate and he thought i would be too attached to the baby and not want to give it back, but i think you’re right, i think you develop a different bond to that baby in knowing that you are making a family. i would love to talk to you more about surrogacy (in private of course)
Julia,
Sure! You can email me at HempHighHeels@gmail.com . I Love to talk about surrogacy, and would love to talk with you.
Loved reading your post!
I am on my second surrogacy journey. I found that I was attached to the parents and the friendship we had/have vs. the baby I carried (including the one I am carrying now).
No, but kudos to you for doing it!
What an amazing story.. I am not sure what I would do. But I know I would be willing to help..
I can say I would do surrogacy in a heartbeat. I have very rough pregnancies and 3 c-sections already but if it was an option for me where do I sign?!
As for donating eggs I don’t think that is something I would be able to do. Not because I feel so connected to my eggs and am like octo-mom I just would be worried that someday down the line my daughters would meet a boy and fall in-love and they may somehow be related and that just freaks me out a little.
Yeah, I have some concerns about that, too, involving one of my surrogacy journeys. I just have to hope for the best though. And Octomom- LMAO!
Yes, I have considered it. a great deal. I would love to give that gift. Its a miracle that we can bring babies into this world, I would love to share it with those that can’t. I have already decided, If one of my sisters couldnt conceive, and asked me to help, I would do it without hessitation.
I do think it’s amazing that you were able to do this. Such an amazing gift you were able to give to those families.
I have a friend that is blessed with 2 sets of twins via surrogacy and I have seen just what an amazing thing it is!
I really admire you for that! It is such a blessing what you did, and I often wonder how hard it is to be a surrogate. Thanks for sharing!!